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Is 50 the new 30? Nope, it's still just 50

Published August 22, 2005

I caught myself using the magnifying glass the other day, the one my husband pilfered from the kids' science kit when his eyes started to go.

Okay, I confess. It wasn't the first time I needed help in reading the recommended dosage on a bottle of over-the-counter pain medicine - and I wear bifocals.

Still, it was an epiphany of sorts. Degeneration ... it's happening.

So what's next?

A little midlife crisis, perhaps?

A better option might be to go with the "glass half-full" philosophy. That would have me heaving a great, big sigh of relief because I don't yet need the magnifying glass to locate the little arrows on the cap of that over-the-counter pain medicine that you have to line up just so in order to open the bottle.

I can feel them just fine with my fingertips.

A good laugh is probably in order, too. Especially because I've noticed that life's natural progression seems to be accompanied by some rather amusing spam assuring me that, no matter what my age, if I buy certain products, they will help me "get noticed again" or "look great naked."

Rest assured, with the progression of years, gravity and the births of four kids, all of them caesarean sections, I know all too well that this train is chugging forward.

"But didn't you know?" the spam mail asks. "Fifty is the new 30."

Not from where I'm standing, which happens to be 47 and smack in the middle of reality.

Age happens.

What I want to know is why do they keep raising the bar, and whatever happened to aging gracefully?

Really, now that the bod's a little more than halfway through the full circle thing, aren't I supposed to be pining for grandchildren and focusing on things such as wisdom, spirituality and inner beauty?

It's wisdom, I think, that tells me I really don't want to do the 30s all over again, especially if it involves freezing my face in time by being injected with botulism or buying snake oil online.

I'm all for eating right and exercising, things we all should be doing to keep ourselves healthy.

But when it comes to age survival, I think I'd rather get by with a few noninvasive techniques that have come as helpful hints from others feeling the slide.

Something on your "to do" list that you don't want to forget?

Call and leave a message reminding yourself on your voice mail.

Things not moving along like they used to?

Bran cereal in the morning and, if needed, before bed at night.

Can't remember where you left essential items such as your car keys or eyeglasses?

In the case of your glasses, before freaking out, be sure to check the top of your head.

In the case of your keys, try the car ignition first.

No luck?

Retrace your steps.

Still can't find them?

You can always try praying to St. Anthony, the patron saint for finding missing things.

Or you can just call a cab or resort to using your kid's magnifying glass.

To avoid frustration, always leave those important items in the same spot. If needed, remind yourself where that spot is by leaving a message on your voice mail.

Oh yeah, and get your eyes checked.

--Michele Miller can be reached in west Pasco at 869-6251 or toll-free at 1-800-333-7505., ext. 6251. Her e-mail address is

[Last modified August 22, 2005, 01:07:12]

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