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Stars ablaze in Miami heat

It was hotties all around Sunday night at the MTV Video Music Awards. Beautiful women in barely-there outfits - and barely-there women in beautiful outfits - graced the white carpet with men decked out in diamonds, and shimmying stars like Shakira took to the stage.

MIAMI - You know you're at an especially sinful gathering when video vixen Paris Hilton is one of the most tastefully dressed people there.

From Shakira's show-stealing shimmy to Kelly Clarkson's show-closing wet T-shirt contest, Sunday night's MTV Video Music Awards was a sexed-up party for sure. There aren't many events that generate next-day buzz quite like the VMAs. "Shakira turns me on, and I'm not even from that team," said a water-logged Clarkson after the show.

But when it comes to sheer celebrity excess and pop-culture overload, nothing compares to what happened behind the cameras - most notably in the "white carpet" arrivals tent, a two-hour assault of skin, schmooze and incredibly attractive famous people.

This is where you find out firsthand that R&B star Alicia Keys just might be the most beautiful woman in the world. "Being by the water relaxes me," she says as you gaze dreamily.

This is where you realize that Fantastic Four actor Jessica Alba could fit in a thimble and pinup gal Carmen Electra, so robust in her centerfold snaps, is oddly oomphless when she's mere inches away.

And this is where Latina warbler Paulina Rubio, virtually naked in a thin mesh dress and teeny thong underpants, casually chats you up as if you were in line at the grocery store. (Whatever you do, don't look down.)

Located in a gauzy white tunnel just outside of the American Airlines Arena, the arrivals area for the 22nd annual video awards was a cool refuge from the cruel sun, with billowing tarps, softly lit chandeliers and a thick white rug. (For all of you Six Million Dollar Man fans, remember that spinning white tunnel in the famous Bigfoot episode? Yeah, it's like that, but without Sasquatch.)

The tunnel could be a peaceful place - until, say, the waifish Lindsay Lohan walks by. And that's when hundreds of rabid journalists, all crammed into a small quote-feeding pen along the tunnel's outer wall, start begging and pleading and screaming for Lohan time.

"Lindsay, who are you wearing, who are you wearing?" they cry out.

At your next social engagement, when conversation runs dry, you might try that line.

Unless you're talking to Lohan, who will refuse to answer you.

Greedy though we are for quotes, journalists can also be compassionate - or so it would seem from our collective gasp when Hilary Duff cruised the carpet. Once a teen idol who didn't play the diet games of the rich and skeletal, the actor-singer now looks like a Tootsie Pop: She has a big head (with big capped teeth) and a perilously thin body. She makes archrival Lohan, whose recent weight loss kept the tabloids fat for months, look almost normal.

Oh, the arrivals tent can be an unsettling place. But it had its weirdly fun moments. B-list actor Eric Roberts - currently starring in two hot videos, one with Mariah Carey, the other with the Killers - asked me, "What's your name, friend?" and clasped my hand gently as if he were the pope.

To my right was a camera crew from a Chilean TV station, who used the samebait with everyone: "(Famous person, famous person), do it for Chile! Talk to Chile!" This worked on aging hottie Ricky "Livin' La Vida Loca" Martin, who was dressed as if he just punched out from his job at Jiffy Lube.

To my left were reporters from other Florida newspapers, normally a competitive crew, but a band of brothers and sisters on this night. When a lower-level celebrity made his or her way down our line, we'd desperately ask each other, "Who is that? Who is that?"

Back came a whispered answer, such as: "It's Rihanna. From the Caribbean. She has a hot dancehall hit called . . ."

"OH, HI RIHANNA! YOU LOOK GREAT. TIME FOR A FEW QUESTIONS?"

The lower-wattage stars walked the carpet first, hoping for a little MTV exposure. Miss Russia was there, with her poor publicist sweating up a storm trying to get people to talk to her. Some guy named Chingo Bling carried around his own bobblehead, which I'm willing to guess is one of a kind. Rapper Paul Wall showed off a small chalice of diamonds he wore around his neck. "This is a Mercedes right here," he said, shaking the jewels like a maraca. And the cast from MTV reality show Laguna Beach worked the crowd. "It's a lot more fun this year because people know who I am," said Kristen, whose last name, um, escapes me.

The talent picked up as the night wore on. I asked skateboard king Tony Hawk if he has ever wheeled around in a hurricane. "I've never (skateboarded) in a hurricane, but I surfed in a hurricane down in the Bahamas. It was wild."

Jackass star Bam Margera brought family and friends down the carpet, including one buddy who wore nothing more than a computer keyboard taped across his private parts. "I wanted to check my e-mail," Margera said.

After Belleair resident Hulk Hogan's teenage daughter Brooke Bollea grazed my sweaty cheek with a showbiz kiss, her bulging papa talked about how thankful he was that Hurricane Katrina spared our part of the state. "That's God's country," the Hulkster said about the Tampa Bay area. "We're protected."

Then the big, big stars start walking ... and walking ... and walking, taking a few minutes with Access Hollywood and those TV scoundrels and leaving the print reporters in the dust.

There goes Shaquille O'Neal (he's gi-normous).

There goes Gwen Stefani (who really does look like a silent-film star).

There goes Kanye West (he's the coolest cat around).

R. Kelly and Snoop Dogg embrace right in front of us, but they chat only to one another.

Kelly Clarkson sprints by. "Who are you wearing? Who are you wearing?"

"Vintage!" she shouts with a smile.

Some biggies aren't too big to hang out a bit. The Killers' sexy frontman, Brandon Flowers, looking fine in mascara and blush, gets chummy, laughing about a recent concert in Tampa when a pal of his streaked the stage in a whipped-cream bikini. "Oh, that was wild," he says prettily.

The Miami Heat's star guard Dwyane Wade shows me his necklace. "That's my son," the NBA stud says proudly. "I always keep him close to my heart."

And my biggest thrill of the night: meeting Carmelo Anthony, star forward for the NBA's Denver Nuggets and my idol ever since he helped bring my alma mater Syracuse University its first national championship. "They have some good ones coming in this year," he said of our alma mater's team, his arm around wife La La, an MTV veejay.

Melo and I shook hands, just a couple of pals hanging out on the white carpet.