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Years of shame and guilt, now openness and honor

A pastor who fathered a child out of wedlock and reunited with her will be recognized for his work with adoption programs.

By BETH N. GRAY
Published September 13, 2005

SPRING HILL - When a local pastor "outed" himself as the birth father of a child put up for adoption, people came out of the woodwork to share similar stories with him.

His confession and theirs gave them healing, he said. Now the Rev. Dwight L. Wolter is trying to help others do the same. For those efforts, Wolter is scheduled to receive the Congressional Angels in Adoption award in Washington, D.C., today.

When faced with the prospect of putting a child up for adoption, birth parents are often fearful, ashamed and embarrassed, said Wolter, the 54-year-old pastor of Spring Hill United Church of Christ. He spoke of fathering a child out of wedlock with Nancy, his high school sweetheart.

"We were very frightened," Wolter recalled.

He and Nancy considered three alternatives: marry and keep the child, put the child up for adoption and abort the fetus.

If they chose marriage and rearing the child, there was little likelihood of success at their young age, Wolter said.

They chose adoption.

Nancy moved into a home for unwed mothers run by the Catholic church and gave birth at a Wisconsin hospital in 1970.

The adoption was prearranged.

"We didn't know (the adopting couple's) names, but Nancy got to meet them once for a moment," Wolter said. "They let Nancy hold the baby momentarily."

Over the years, Wolter felt guilty and ashamed about giving up his daughter. He suffered in silence.

"I intentionally did not look for her because I did not want to interfere with her or her adoptive parents," he said. "I wanted many, many, many times through the years to contact her."

But he imagined that the adoptive parents would be resentful.

"For 21 years, I was deeply ashamed," he said.

When his daughter was 21 - Wolter didn't even know her date of birth - he hired a detective to find her. He learned she was christened Linda by her adoptive parents. She lived in Atlanta.

Wolter wrote to her. In addition to introducing himself, he told her he would never write to her again, or call, if she didn't want him to.

"She responded immediately," Wolter said.

Linda's adoption was apparent to her, Wolter said. She was blond and blue-eyed. Her parents' natural daughters had dark hair and even darker complexions.

"If they didn't tell her, she would have guessed," Wolter said.

Linda and her adoptive parents welcomed him.

Now married, Linda Rietveld calls her adoptive father "Dad." She refers to Wolter as her "father."

Linda Rietveld and her dad have traveled to Spring Hill the past several years to share in Easter Sunday services at Wolter's church. Their sharing and caring for each other closes what Wolter calls the adoption circle, which he strongly believes must include the birth parents.

A speaker and writer on the issue of adoption, Wolter is involved with organizations such as Adoption Circle, Angels in Adoption, and the Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute. He is also involved with an international program for adoptions and orphan care and has published a book about adoptions.

Today, Wolter, who will represent Florida's 5th Congressional District, is expected to take his place among adoption advocates from throughout the United States as they receive the Angels in Adoption awards. Wolter was nominated by U.S. Rep. Ginny-Brown Waite, R-Crystal River, herself an adoptive mother.

"Wolter has been an outspoken advocate of the positives of adoption, and has helped members of his congregation through similar choices and decisions in their lives," Brown-Waite said recently.

Accompanying Wolter at the awards gala will be Rietveld, 35, and Wolter's son, Casey, 10.

The honor to her birth father has prompted Rietveld "to sink her teeth into" efforts promoting adoption, Wolter said.

Meanwhile, Wolter encourages other birth fathers to follow his example.

"My part in the circle of adoption is the birth father. There's not a lot of birth fathers running around looking" for their adopted offspring, said Wolter, who lost his 6-year-old, Maya, in a car accident in February.

"There's a lot of pain and anxiety about these searches," he said. "There's all sorts of fears, all that stuff that shames them into silence. Take it out of the dark ages."

Birth parents may be surprised with what they find when searching for adopted children, Wolter said.

"Search is search, and love is love."

--Beth Gray may be contacted at graybethn@earthlink.net

[Last modified September 13, 2005, 01:45:22]