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Baptism in waters unknown
By MARLENE SOKOL
Published October 14, 2005
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Plumber. Does your dog bite?
Don't tempt me with Peter Sellers dialogue.
What seems to be the problem?
A flood in the kitchen. Water started coming up from the floor this morning. And the house kind of stinks.
Is it a slab leak?
What's a slab leak?
I'll take a look. If it's a slab leak, you'll need another guy to come out tomorrow and set up some equipment to see where it's coming from. Don't worry. I'll apply what you pay me today toward his fee tomorrow.
No problem.
* * *
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Slab leak detector.
Come on in. Strange, but there's no water under the floor today.
Well, we'll just hook up some equipment anyway and see what we find.
* * *
RRRRRing.
Did you pay the plumber?
Sure did.
What did he find?
No leak.
How is that possible?
Sometimes these things just manage to plug themselves up.
So we're out, like, how much money?
A couple hundred. But it could have been worse. A repiping would have been thousands.
* * *
SSSHHHHHHHHH.
What's wrong with this water?
What do you mean?
Look at it, it's white!
It wasn't white before.
It's been white ever since the plumber turned it off and on.
Who do I call about this at 8 p.m.? The water department?
They're closed now. Just have to cook with the hurricane water.
Wait a minute, that only happens when you turn on the cold water. When you turn on the hot water, it's perfectly clear.
I didn't even think our hot water faucet worked.
Works now. But the cold water looks like milk.
* * *
SHHHHHHHHHH.
You won't believe this.
What?
Now the cold water is clear and the hot water is cloudy.
Still no water on the kitchen floor?
No water on the kitchen floor.
What about that damp spot under the rug?
He checked it out. It's from the dog.
Back to crating her when we're at work.
* * *
Knock knock.
Who's there?
We're witnesses for the Lord.
Come on in. Excuse the mess. Kids, turn down the television.
Would you care for a copy of the Good Book?
Yea, yea, yea, whatever. What I really need is this: A dishwasher that I don't have to replace every four weeks, water that I can see through, an ice maker that doesn't go on strike, exterior paint that doesn't peel, a washing machine that keeps its spin cycle no matter how many towels are in it, and an air conditioner that doesn't leak into my bedroom ceiling.
Let us pray. And I hope your dog is friendly.
[Last modified October 13, 2005, 08:20:12]
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