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Pinching Bush's pumpkin? Uh, oh

By BRUCE MICHAUD
Published October 14, 2005

Must have a real pumpkin this year for the front door. My Christmas tree is okay, but my fake pumpkin has to go. No, it never rots and it won't catch the house on fire. But it's no fun dusting off last year's pumpkin while everyone else is at the pumpkin patch.

I grab my 8-year-old and race down to the pumpkin patch.

"Listen here, young lady, Dad's gonna show you how to pick out a pumpkin that will make Martha Stewart's look like a cherry tomato."

I walk over to the biggest pumpkin I can find and ask the salesman how much he wants for it.

He stops rocking his chair and looks up through crooked glasses. "I was saving that one for the governor of Florida. Bush will be here tomorrow with his kids and he always gets the biggest pumpkin I have - so it's not for sale. You couldn't afford it anyways; you look more like a plastic pumpkin guy to me!"

I see daughter smirking at me.

"Look, you tell Bush you saved the next biggest pumpkin for him and ring that one up for me."

The old man walks over to the register. "You got class there, young man. It will be 100 bucks for the pumpkin and $20 to load it in your car. Bush usually tips my loader after that, but I can understand if you can't afford to do it!"

My daughter can't believe we just bought President Bush's brother's pumpkin.

"Just have the loader bring it over and I'll make sure they're taken care of."

I tip the guy's wife 10 bucks after she loads it and drive back home.

"See, baby, that's how you get the best pumpkin."

"Are you sure he wasn't kidding you about it being Bush's pumpkin, Daddy?"

Surely she noticed the look of amazement when I heard her ask that silly question.

"Baby, that's the same guy who sells me Disney's backup fireworks show every Fourth of July - it's first-come, first-served in this world!"

Oct. 12: Set pumpkin on front porch.

Oct. 14: Armadillo eats the 10-inch stem.

Oct. 19: I notice green mold on pumpkin, turn good side toward envious neighbors.

Oct. 22: Mushrooms now growing out of mold and pumpkin texture is like a marshmallow in 99 percent humidity.

Oct. 25: Chipmunk eats a hole through the pumpkin and steals 900 pumpkin seeds.

Oct. 29: Pumpkin looks like a deflated tire and 3,000 flies call it home.

Oct. 30: Buzzards eating pumpkin at front door, use back door until further notice.

Oct. 31: Light bulb shorts, sets pumpkin and house on fire.

Nov. 1: Pumpkin guy calls me to ask if I might be interested in the Iron Chef's turkey before the Food Network gets here to pick it up.

Nov. 21: The kids feed "Ted," the Iron Chef's turkey, every day; eating it for dinner is out of the question.

Dec. 1 to 23: Not sure who put the Christmas tree away last year, but multiple fake Christmas tree branches are missing. Tree looks like it was near the Chernobyl nuclear power plant when it blew its lid.

Dec. 20: Salesman holds Britney Spears' $300 Douglas fir tree for me. Determined not to be taken again, I get his wife to load it for free.

[Last modified October 13, 2005, 08:20:12]