Electronic know-it-alls are sporting only artificial intelligence
By SANDRA THOMPSON
Published October 15, 2005
I'm really tired of my machines thinking they're smarter than I am.
The computer is the worst, of course. Granted, it is pretty smart, certainly smarter than a toaster oven, but it's not as smart as it thinks it is. It keeps correcting me on grammar and capitalization and marks words in a sentence it just doesn't think I need. If I say someone is very, very smart, it just did it, the second "very" is suddenly underlined in red.
Look, maybe I wanted that second "very." Where is the computer that can tell the difference between a typo and the use of repetition or hyperbole for effect? Computers are smart, but they're not flexible and they don't grasp subtleties.
My computer is constantly telling me how dumb I am. But like people who tell you how dumb you are, most of the time it doesn't know what it's talking about. Like, right now, the computer has decided that I need a ruler running along the top and left side of the page. Does it think I want to measure my carpet by holding it up to the screen?
By anticipating what you need, the computer can help you, but sometimes only so far, like taking a blind person across the street and leaving her at the median.
Or it can help you too much.
If I'm typing in my name on a form, say, for an airline reservation, when I strike "S" it automatically inserts my first and last names. Good job, computer, but what if it's a form that requires the first and last names to be written in separate spaces?
Is there some way to tell the computer that although I cannot do ninth-grade algebra, I know how to write? That's why I break rules. Because I can. See, that sentence got underlined in green because it's a fragment.
And while I really appreciate the spell check (it's amazing how many words you can misspell), I wish it would not put every proper name in red that isn't also a real word like "Brown."
If it were just computers, it would be okay. If we're arrogant enough to attempt this level of technology, we're begging for trouble.
But cars? I appreciate it when the message in red lights politely tells me to "PLEASE REFUEL." I don't even mind the annoying buzz every time I start the engine until I get to the gas station, because I would hate to run out of gas. But the same thing happens when the display demands that I "TOP OFF WASHER FLUID." Look, VW, the red light is enough. I don't need you to continually buzz me. I know you're German, so am I, but a dirty windshield isn't the end of the world. Also, I don't know what washer fluid is or how to top it off. My husband does that, so please beep him, okay? And what's with the British accent? "BOOT LID OPEN?" Come on.
I read in the Wall Street Journal while I was sitting in the VW repair shop (if the car's so smart, why doesn't it fix itself?) that we may soon be getting cars so smart they will hit the brakes whenever they're about to crash into something. This is truly scary. Anything that allows drivers to pay even less attention to what they're doing (operating a vehicle that has killed and maimed more people than any tank) is not a good thing. With crash as well as cruise control, not only will drivers be eating, talking on their cells and applying mascara, they'll be reading War and Peace and doing their income tax.
You would think you're safe with a microwave. When time is up, mine buzzes. Shrilly. Fair enough, but if I don't open the door that instant it buzzes again. And again. The microwave oven is off, right? Nothing can burn. So what's the big deal?
My microwave, by the way, is almost 20 years old. When I get a new one, it'll probably be able to say, "Time's up, dummy!" in 30 languages.
Sandra Thompson, a Tampa writer, can be reached at sandrathompson1@mac.com City Life appears on Saturday.