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Mom really does know best

FOLLOW THE PROGRESS: Weighing In, John C. Cotey's column about his effort to lose weight, appears Tuesdays in Floridian. His starting weight on July 1 was 250 pounds. To read previous columns and his Web log, The Skinny, please go to www.sptimes.com/skinny

By JOHN C. COTEY
Published October 25, 2005

WEIGHING IN: 222.5

Years ago, when Billy Blanks was all the rage, I decided against joining a gym and borrowed a friend's Tae Bo tape instead.

It was a great workout. Lots of sweat. Exercises that were a struggle. Fast-paced. End result: sore muscles the next day.

I never returned that tape. Never put it back in my VCR either.

As always, it was one and done.

So it was with trepidation that I recently opened a package from my mother that she swore would help me get fit:

A Walk Away the Pounds with Leslie Sansone DVD.

(I really had my heart set on the Hot Salsa Workout, but I digress.)

Typically, I would just file the DVD away next to my hand weights, pushup bars, jump rope, elastic bands and Ab Roller.

But you don't know my mother.

"Have you tried it yet have you tried it yet have you tried it yet have you tried it yet?"

"Uh, no, not yet," I said.

"I spent good money on that and shipped it overnight and you've had it for a week and all you have to do is pop it in your DVD player and for God's sake, it's just walking," she said.

Click.

Sigh.

In the DVD went. There was a choice of three workouts, ranging from 1 to 3 miles. I went with No. 2, or the Calorie Burn as it was called.

Let me say this: I felt like a fool, dancing in front of the TV with a 5-pound weight in each hand. At one point, I could swear I saw my wife giggling from the bedroom. And who could blame her, her big lug of a husband struggling to kick his left leg and raise his right arm at the same time. (It got easier when I took the gum out of my mouth.)

In truth, it was a decent workout, and definitely better than nothing. My brain, however, got the biggest workout.

I couldn't help wondering throughout the workout why the women (and one token man, who looked eerily like ESPN's Pete Gammons) on the DVD weren't sweating but I was. Was the studio thermostat set at 10 degrees?

And what's with all the smiling? They should rename the DVD Stepping With Stepford Wives.

And seriously, are you kidding me with all this inane banter? Are they reading from a script? Why do I suddenly feel I am sweating to an infomercial gone bad?

Here was one exchange:

Sansone: "Now let's get down low. (giggle) Imagine you are a shortstop. (giggle)"

"Who are you calling short," giggled the short girl to the left.

"No . . . (giggle) I said shortstop (giggle)."

After the workout, it was hugs all around.

"I love you," Sansone says at the end to the viewer and those in the frozen tundra of a studio with her.

"Thank you sooooo much for joining us."

I have since moved up to the 3-mile workout, the DVD coming in handy when it's raining or the guilt of skipping the gym gets to me. Even my 2-year-old Jonathon has joined in (though he uses two very, very, very light toys as his weights and I use 5 pounds - not that I'm competitive or anything).

I still feel silly, especially those moments I catch myself in the mirror. The banter is as irksome as ever. But it has given me something to shoot for: becoming so adept at the 3-mile workout that I can hit the mute button and throw some headphones on.

For now, I still need help coordinating my steps and arm raises.

Soon, I'll be ready for Tae Bo.

Now where did I put that thing?

[Last modified October 24, 2005, 16:47:03]