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Religion
Jews lift veil from spousal battery
A Jewish women's group is helping spread the word: Spousal abuse happens to us, too.
By EILEEN SCHULTE
Published November 19, 2005
TAMPA - Barbara Bergling of Safety Harbor never tried to obtain a divorce from her husband, a salesman.
Although she endured 25 years of being punched in the eyes, hit over the head with hairbrushes, denied any money of her own, constantly insulted and threatened with never seeing their two little boys again, she simply didn't have the self-esteem or resources to leave.
"He would complain his eggs tasted like soap," said Bergling, 62, a past president of the Clearwater Chapter of Jewish Women International. "I would clean the house all day, and when he came home, he would (drag) his finger across a piece of furniture looking for dust."
Her husband forbade her to go to synagogue and taunted her when she fasted for Yom Kippur.
Such tales of spousal abuse within the Jewish community have largely been hidden.
Although no hard statistics exist, Jewish organizations are finding that spousal abuse occurs at an alarming rate in their faith. Experts with Jewish Women International believe that some Jews slam their spouses' heads into walls, punch them and rape them as frequently as people in any other faith or secular community.
They also say it is common for Jews who are not abusers or victims to be unaware that domestic violence exists in their religion.
The reason, according to JWI, is that the ethical teachings of Jewish tradition promote safety and peace in the home, and justice and accountability for everybody.
But those teachings aren't protecting some abused women, and, in some cases, abused men.
At a program Monday night at Congregation Kol Ami in Tampa, Rabbi David Rose, a nationally recognized advocate for abused women, said spousal battery has got to stop.
"In the Jewish community, it's an embarrassment," Rose said, adding that Jews must look past the shame and start saving lives.
A coalition of Jewish organizations including the Clearwater chapter of JWI, Congregation Kol Ami, Temple Ahavat Shalom, Gulf Coast Jewish Family Services, Florida Central Region of Hadassah, the Pinellas County Board of Rabbis and the Tampa Rabbinic Association sponsored the program. It was open to the entire Jewish community and was well-attended by men and women.
During his trip to the Tampa Bay area, Rose also met with Jewish teachers, rabbis and cantors to educate them on the issue.
JWI's goal is to help Jews acknowledge that domestic abuse exists in their religion, believe survivors who come forward, encourage prevention programs, educate religious leaders, hold abusers accountable and confront abuse as a community, among other things.
"You can't fix a problem until you are aware there is a problem," said Deena Silver, past president of the Clearwater chapter of JWI. "It happens to everyone. That was the point we wanted to get across."
Rose said he never thought spousal abuse occurred in Judaism until 11 years ago when a group of women asked to organize a program on domestic violence.
"I said yes, but I really didn't believe it was an issue," Rose said, adding he wasn't even planning to stay to the end of the program.
But then someone read aloud a letter from a Jewish woman describing her life of torture at her husband's hands.
"I looked around to see who this person was," Rose said. "I couldn't believe these words were written by someone in my sanctuary."
He said he researched the subject and began to talk about it with congregants. As word spread, women came forward seeking assistance.
"I was called to homes late in the night where women were bleeding and calling for help," said Rose.
Rose is the senior rabbi at Congregation Har Shalom in Potomac, Md., and the former spiritual leader at Congregation Kol Ami in Tampa.
Aside from a workshop or two, he is largely self-educated on the issue. He worked as a member of JWI's National Needs Assessment Advisory Task Force on Domestic Violence Abuse in the Jewish Community and is a member of the group's National Clergy Task Force on Domestic Abuse.
"Rabbis must learn the signs of abuse," Rose said. "(There may be) a woman who is suddenly not at services, supposedly ill or is suddenly withdrawn."
He said it is essential that restraining orders are honored at all synagogues. At Rose's synagogue, ushers are made aware if a restraining order exists. If the abuser shows up for a service, his entry is blocked. If necessary, a silent panic button is pressed to alert authorities.
Other synagogues across the United States are now going even further.
According to a story in Newsday, Doris Davis of Oceanside, N.Y., was granted a divorce last year from her husband, Leonard Davis, but he refused to present her with a "get," the religious document that severs a marriage under Jewish law.
Under the rules of her Orthodox faith, if she did not receive the papers, she would be forbidden from remarrying or even dating. If she disobeys, tradition mandates she would be shunned and any children she had would be considered illegitimate.
Furious, Leonard Davis' former rabbi organized pickets outside Davis' home, and congregants were urged to avoid him.
Such protests are becoming more and more common.
Jewish domestic abuse outreach programs may have helped Bergling, but it turned out that fate intervened. Her husband died of a heart attack in 1989. That's when Bergling began to live.
She enrolled in college and started working. In 1994, she married "a man who treats me like a queen," said Bergling, 62, who is retired. "This is the best time in my life."
Eileen Schulte can be reached at 727 445-4153 or schulte@sptimes.com
TO LEARN MORE
Those seeking information on how to escape domestic abuse are encouraged to call:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233 Shalom Task Force, 1-888-883-2323
Florida Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-500-1119
CASA, St. Petersburg (727) 895-4912
The Haven, Clearwater, (727) 442-4128
The Spring, Tampa (813) 247-7233
Gulf Coast Jewish Family Services, (727) 538-7150
Tampa Jewish Family Services, (813) 960-1848
For legal help, call Bay Area Legal Services at (813) 232-1343.
[Last modified November 19, 2005, 01:08:18]
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