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Knowing when to drop and go, or stop and stay

By Katherine Snow Smith
Published November 27, 2005

To drop or not to drop? That is the question.

The answer depends on where you're dropping your child off, how old your child is and how many children you have.

I've been asking parents how old their children have to be before they feel comfortable dropping them at baseball practice, ballet or a birthday party. I'm not talking about the mall or the movies, but somewhere where there is adult supervision. The short answer: Some start dropping at birthday parties when their child is 4 years old; some drop at soccer practice when they're 6; and some never have and never will drop.

I just started playing that much-talked-about role of soccer mom this year when my 6-year-old wanted to sign up. Since she's new to the whole thing, I have been there for every practice but can see how some parents might want to just come back in an hour or have another parent pick their child up. But then all the parents in our league got an e-mail urging parents not to leave the field during practice. Turns out this is a problem at plenty of playing fields around town and probably around the country.

Parents often think it's okay to drop off kids under 8 years old, some as young as 6, said Kim Banks, who coaches a soccer team of kids under 8. "It has upset me because that field is very busy and a child leaving and going to the bathroom might not come back for a half hour. When I am coaching, that is hard to keep track of. The bathrooms are far away, and the parking lot is right there."

If a parent walks their child to their designated field, leaves a cell phone number with the coach and tells him or her exactly who will be picking their child up, Banks is okay with that, if the child is 7 or older. It's just hard to keep up with a team of players once they are off the field.

"The recreation fields are very populated, and there are a lot of people watching. Any child unsupervised I feel is not in a good situation," she said. Steve Kulavic has four daughters ages 7 to 19 and has coached all of them at the soccer field. On a recent night at Puryear Park in St. Petersburg, he told me he thinks parents need to stick around until kids are about 11 or 12.

"We're here to instruct, but we can't be mom or dad. If something happens, they need to see their mom or dad out there," he said. "If something happens, even if another player says something that hurts their feelings" a parent should be on hand.

He said he has seen kids 5 and 6 get dropped off, and he thinks that's definitely too young to be at practice without a parent nearby.

"I kind of see myself doing this for years to come," said Lisa Foushee, who sat in a folding chair watching her 6-year-old daughter practice soccer. She does the same thing at gymnastics and ballet. "There will be a time when we want to stay and they won't want us there."

Foushee has just one child so she pointed out that it's easier to be on the sidelines for all of her activities. A few moms with two or more children assured me they never leave a child at a birthday party or sports practice. But most of the parents of multiple children said they are comfortable with dropping off in certain situations. Some coaches even prefer it because it keeps pushy parents out of the picture or makes clingy children a little more focused on practice, dance or music instead of the sidelines.

As the mother of three, I am certainly sometimes a dropper. Most nights I am with my younger children on the playground while my older daughter does hip-hop dance inside the recreation center. We watch the dancing as long as my 2-year-old will sit quietly. But sometimes we drop her off and run to the grocery store to get the potatoes for Stone Soup Day at school the next morning. I know she's inside with her teacher and not out on a field swarming with kids.

As for birthday parties, I probably drop about half the time. I started dropping them once in awhile when they were 5, if it was okay with the parent hosting the party. There's always been a baby who needed to get home and nap or somebody who had to get to another party or who was sick or something that made it difficult to hang out at a birthday party.

As a parent who has hosted parties, often I'd rather have an invited child dropped than a mom and two siblings stay. If an invitation lists a beginning and ending time, that means it's not impolite to drop. If not, it's good to call ahead of time and find out if you need to stay.

When my schedule has conflicts and I can't stay at a birthday party, I also make sure it's okay with my child to be dropped off. Usually it is, but once in a while they opt to just miss the party.

Cheryl Van Sciver, who owns the Ultimate Party and Play Zone with her husband, has become an expert on birthday parties. The indoor playroom with inflatable slides and "jumpy things" hosted 25 parties for kids 1 and older in October. She said parents start dropping their kids off at ages 6 and 7. Almost all of the 8-year-olds, 9-year-olds and 10-year-olds are dropped off.

"So far, we've only had one boy who made me call his mom to come get him. If parents do leave, we get their cell phone numbers," she said. "He was probably about 5."

Like everything with parenting, there is no set rule. Dropping off depends on the age, maturity and comfort level of the child, the size of the activity, and how much responsibility a coach, teacher, party host or other parent can take on.

We need to be fair to all involved - the kids and the coaches and ourselves. We can't be at all places, all parties and all practices for all children, so make the best decision on a case-by-case basis.

You can reach Katherine Snow Smith by e-mail at snowsmith@verizon.net or write Rookie Mom, St. Petersburg Times, P.O. Box 1121, St. Petersburg, FL 33731.

[Last modified November 27, 2005, 01:18:21]