By Times Staff Writer
Published December 9, 2005
The North Beach Diet: Add Belly and Hip Fat Instantly with Batter-Fried Twinkies & More... by Kim Bailey
What did Adolf Hitler, Ted Bundy, Stuart Whidden, Jack the Ripper, Charles Manson and Lizzie Borden have in common? They were all thin. It took us by surprise as well. However, noted criminologist Dr. Stephen Robert Cribb, PhD, a crime fighter who has single-handledly captured more cereal killers than even J. Edgar Hoover, and is currently dean of students at the Institute for the Criminally Insane located at the University of South Brandon outside Tampa, Florida, has found the link to end all speculation.
Dr. Cribb writes in an article for the October 2002 issue of the New England Journal of Criminal Behavior: "The evidence is overwhelming: 98 percent of all mass murderers and cereal killers (in all of history), were committed by the thin."
After studying the stomachs of twenty-seven mass murderers, Dr. Cribb said in an interview on the Ricki Lake Show: "We recommend a diet high in refined sugars, carbohydrates, and fat, to offset the dangers of being thin ... virtually eliminating the likelihood of your thin child becoming a cereal killer." He continued: "An obese child is less likely to become a significant danger to society."
Need we say more?
Parvenue Throws a Party by Wendy Boucher
With one hand frozen in the air, palm up like an Egyptian drawing, I hung my head down in time to see my dingy mummy costume loosen and sag, exposing polyester gym shorts that were so tight I only ever wore them under short skirts to hide my underwear. Patches of white, baby-flabby skin poked out here and there between the strips of unraveling sheet.
Of course I cried. But before I became totally unglued, Polly came over and apologized. Sort of. "I'm sorry Janice," Polly said, "we decided not to wear costumes." Polly flitted away. "Scott, can you play that record again? It's my new favorite." Giggle, giggle. Polly rejoined the party, leaving me to ask the really big question to myself.
My Darling Margy: The World War II Diaries and Letters of Surgeon Charles Francis Chunn, MD edited by Celeste Chunn Colcord
Jan. 2, 1944
I haven't written you in several days - nor have I slept except for a few hours. A great deal has happened. Recently I spent 20 hours at the operating table, working as fast as possible, one case after the other till we all were bushed. Then I went to my tent to sleep and a hell-of-a-storm came up and blew the hospital down. My tent came down and I and everything in it got wet. This was during the night and it rained, snowed and blew like hell. It was the damnest night I've ever seen. The mess tent blew away and all the food, we had none for some time. The patients had a rough time but we didn't lose a one and got them all out. We've been digging ourselves out of the wreckage and mud since. All my Xmas packages were ruined and our New Year's dinner lost. All in all it was quite an experience and a big mess. In eight hours after we were blown away, I was operating again and only today have gotten any sleep. Now I'm feeling fine and none the worse. The weather now is very cold and I will never gripe again about Africa.
Sweetheart, I hope you had a nice Christmas and New Year's. My Xmas was fine but the New Year's will never be forgotten. I've missed you so and wanted you so very much.
I love and adore you,
Missing Page by Patty G. Henderson
The guillotine blade fell with one quick thud and the woman's head tumbled into the bloody basket below. Her body jerked a few times but remained where it knelt, headless, the blood running like water down the wooden block, thickening the puddle already pooled there from the others before.
With a leather-gloved hand, the black-masked executioner wiped the guillotine blade free of the blood and bone bits that had stuck there, then kicked hard at the headless body. It toppled over as the hungry guillotine began its climb back up.
Another woman, faceless like the one before, mounted the steps of the platform and, without even glancing up at the sharp blade over her head, knelt before the wooden block. The executioner shoved her head into the groove of the block and raised one hand up in the air, ready to once again call the slicing blade down for another head. In one swift move, his hand moved down.
Brenda woke up startled, a stifled scream stuck in her throat.
Do You Know What You Don't Know... About Women's Health Issues? by Cindy A. Krueger
In 2002, Americans spent approximately $115 billion on fast food, which exceeds the dollars spent on personal computers, new cars or higher education. Americans spent more than half their food budget on food and drinks consumed outside the home. For example, Coca-Cola Company statistics show that teenagers consumed 65 gallons of their soda pop, on average, in a year. On the other hand, overall consumption of vegetables has increased, but the increase has been in consumption of potatoes in the form of French fries. Eat more green, leafy vegetables, please. When you become aware of how our diet has changed, you will begin to see the direct link between lifestyle choices and the increased risk of illness and disease.
Pusillanimous Pirate Packwood Pillages and Plunders Peninsula Preserve by John Mueller and Ken Walters
Fully impressed with the handling ability of the (marina dock) cart on the mogul test, Art decided to put it through its motions on the slalom course. He began racing through the restaurant, weaving in and out of the tables where couples were enjoying a peaceful meal overlooking the docks. Screams, caused by mashed toes and gouged shins, could be heard throughout the saloon as Art, less than masterfully, sped towards the door that was illuminated by a large red exit sign.