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A wish list for myself and the world

By SHEILA STOLL
Published December 20, 2005

I'll bet you are unaware of a little-known event that falls on December 27. It's a day that celebrates the longevity of one of the older creatures on the planet. This ancient beast is the matriarch of her clan, the oldest member left standing: It's my birthday!

I have known for years that the most important thing about the second day after Christmas is that people are rushing the malls to return and exchange Christmas gifts. The good news is that the loathsome Little Drummer Boy is no longer rum-tum-tumming. The downside involves the continuing obligation to eat Christmas leftovers. I have never enjoyed leftovers as birthday dinner. I have therefore developed a sneaky tactic: I spirit away chunks of turkey and mashed potatoes, then intermingle them with Christmas debris and take them out with the trash.

No more leftovers. Guess you'll have to take me out for dinner.

I've never had high birthday expectations. I don't really want my kids to spend their money on stuff I don't need.

On my Big Day people are gearing up for New Year's Eve. Darling Husband knows he has only a few days left to enjoy rum-laced eggnog. I have never understood the attraction of eggnog. My feeling is that if you like rum, have some. Why mess with eggs and all that other stuff?

It's resolution time. I no longer resolve, knowing that whatever I resolve won't happen. I'm pretty set in my wicked ways. I prefer a top 10 wish list for our country and the world.

Here we go:

10. Syndication for my column. The nation and the world deserve the benefit of my wit and wisdom. (It's MY list, okay?)

9. May the Whooping Cranes led by ultra-lights to Chassahowitzka National Wildlife Refuge last fall make it back to Florida again, teaching a new generation of Whoopers the migration route.

8. Hurricanes and tropical storms need to show a little more consideration for the United States. It's not that I wish ill to others; I just think we've had enough for a while.

7. Intelligent Design in science classes is nonsense. However, comparative religion, introducing students to the religions and philosophies of the world, might be a useful addition to the high school curriculum.

6. I won't be unhappy to see the Texans in Washington go back to Texas.

5. I appeal to Asian birds to please stay in Asia. Our western pharmaceutical companies are way too busy pushing erectile dysfunction drugs to come up with a vaccine to deal with diseases winging in from the east.

4. In Europe nobody ever leaves a shopping cart in a parking lot. One has to use a coin or token to get one from its station and, when the cart is returned one gets ones coin back. Why don't we do that?

3. I think it's time for all the religionistas to sit down and shut up. We should all just play nice and follow the Golden Rule. Worship whom or whatever you want. Understand that I may take a different view.

2. We should not live by burgers, fries and soft drinks alone. I'm saddened when I see ever-increasing girth of our kids.

1. Please, let's get serious about the health of our beautiful planet, all its species and treasures. We need an epiphany here. Not much good happens to species that foul their own nests.

That's it. I think I'll need a bellows to blow out all these accursed candles.

- Write to Sheila Stoll, c/o Seniority, the St. Petersburg Times, P.O. Box 1121, St. Petersburg, FL 33731.

[Last modified December 19, 2005, 10:00:26]