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Guest column

Santa, what have you got for a true believer?

By JIM AYLWARD
Published December 23, 2005

Dear Santa,

I have been a good old boy this year. Really. I may have stumbled a couple of times, but mostly I have been good. I haven't been asked to testify before any special prosecutor. Yet. And I swear I have never met Jack Abramoff. Ever.

Locally, I have been as good as I can be with my fellow Florida drivers. I mean, you know as well as I do, we have some rotten drivers on our roads. I know a little bit about rotten drivers because I'm originally from Massachusetts, where we invented it all. So it's understandable if I get a little testy when the bozo in front of me in the Hummer can't turn the thing. My mouth starts moving furiously trying to get around words that haven't been invented yet. But I try. I actually pray a lot now in the car.

Santa, I've been good with all my friends this year. I have. My friend Sandra in California always bakes cookies for Christmas and so this year I sent her a book of 500 recipes. With color photos! I told her to open it long before the holidays. She said something to me about it being such a wonderful gift, but that it wasn't very subtle. Well, I like cookies!

But I admit I like to rub it in when friends from Brooklyn or Boston call and ask me how cold it is here in the winter. I always say it's so cold now I have to wear a long-sleeved shirt. Well, it's kind of true. Besides, if they were smart, they could live here and wear long-sleeved shirts too.

Also, Santa, please remember that I have always taken your side year after year. Even from the very beginning. Remember when I was in first grade and Miss Estabrook was my teacher? One cold December day, they gave a Christmas party for all us little kids. When my mother picked me up from school, she said, "Did you meet Santa Claus?"

Remember, I said to her, "It wasn't Santa Claus. It was Miss Estabrook in an old red suit!" She said, "How did you know that?" and I said, "Because she wore her own shoes."

I mean, I was a smart little kid.

Then, when I was a little older, my Aunt Bertha took me to that little department store to meet Santa, and I sat on his lap and looked at him real close, and when I came out, she said, "Did you like talking to Santa?" And you remember, I said, "It wasn't Santa. It was an old man with a false face!"

Actually, to be honest, I didn't say false face because I couldn't at that age. I said "palse pace." But it was close.

Yes, I had always known and respected you, the real Santa Claus. You were the one who invented goodies on the sleigh. You were behind the idea of chestnuts roasting and all that. I know. You always make it a winter wonderland even in the tropics.

So I hope you have a wonderful trip this Dec. 25. I'll leave out the cookies and cola as usual. Sandra made the cookies, and they're scrumptious! I know you'll like them. And if you find it in your heart to leave me something expensive and luxurious under the tree, I'll be forever grateful.

With kindest personal regards,

Jimmie

P.S. Yes, like last year and the year before, I'm still shallow.

Jim Aylward, an author, former radio personality, recording artist and producer, lives in Pasco County. Guest columnists write their own views on subjects they choose, which do not necessarily reflect the opinions of this newspaper.

[Last modified December 23, 2005, 01:29:53]