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Is truth stranger than fiction? In 2005, it may have been a tossup

By HOWARD TROXLER
Published December 29, 2005

The fake year in review for Tampa Bay and Florida, 2005 edition:

Jan. 6: Report says fewer manatees killed by boats. Manatees accused of "not fighting fair."

Jan. 20: New USF policy bans faculty from dating students "unless they're really hot."

Jan. 25: Notorious land speculator Don Connolly's will demands $50,000 for him not to be buried in neighbor's yard.

Jan. 28: Legislature approves School of Tarot and Astrology at Florida State University.

Feb. 2: In a publicity move, Dillard's department store renames escalator previously nicknamed "the Crusher" as "Mr. Dillard's Wild Ride."

Feb. 12: Group announces campaign to bar violators of Ten Commandments from getting married in Florida. Coveters and adulterers protest.

March 6: Florida schools still rank near bottom. Governor sends fruit basket to Alabama.

March 22: Tampa Sports Authority reconsiders policy of stretch limousines and free back rubs for members during games.

April 11: Casino shuttle boat in St. Petersburg unexpectly rampages through crowd at BayWalk, causing structural damage before bursting into flames.

April 27: State Ethics Commission adopts new policy: "If it feels good, do it."

May 14: Bucs owner Malcolm Glazer buys Buckingham Palace.

May 20: Governor vetoes "road rage" bill. Slow drivers flock to left lane in celebration.

June 8: Katherine Harris announces bid for U.S. Senate after Republican Party fails to recruit a shoeshine guy from Ocala named Fred to run against her.

June 8: School principal in Hernando County offers her personal thoughts to graduates: "Four score and seven years ago ..."

June 11: Pinellas County criminal courthouse disappears in mushroom cloud. Chief Judge David A. Demers calls it "a confidential matter."

June 22: IRS investigates Florida Democratic Party. Former chairman Scott Maddox blames oversights on "pesky elves."

June 28: Tampa Bay Water announces it was "just goofin' around" when it built a desalination plant.

July 3: Republican governor candidate Tom Gallahger descends from Mount Dora bearing two stone tablets.

July 15: St. Petersburg police require BayWalk protesters to fit inside a 2-foot cube.

July 23: Tampa Mayor Pam Iorio loses fight to locate art museum in downtown hot dog stand.

Aug. 19: Bodies naked: bad. Bodies pickled, cut open and put in a museum: good.

Aug. 26: Osama bin Laden captured during fan patdown at Raymond James Stadium.

Sept. 2: Gas prices hit $10 per gallon. Hummer sales unaffected.

Sept. 10: Human link to Red Tide suspected after discovery of 10,000 floating containers of Purina Brand Algae Food.

Sept. 20: Clearwater fire chief orders female firefighters to bring coffee to "the menfolk."

Sept. 30: Red faces in Tallahassee when new directors of Citizens Property Insurance forget to take oath of office before they start self-dealing.

Oct. 18: Tallest-ever condo tower in St. Pete halted when a higher power suddenly makes workers begin speaking in different languages.

Oct. 22: Legislature votes for freedom of religion, speech, press, and assembly. Cuts out the "petition" part.

Nov. 14: New plan for handling oil spills in gulf: Everybody go to the beach and blow.

Nov. 26: State Ethics Commission issues ruling clearing Special Operations Command at MacDill Air Force Base, "just in case somebody asks us to."

Nov. 30: Epsilon fails to get memo on end of hurricane season.

Dec. 10: Attorney General Charlie Crist sends out 10-million e-mails announcing he is fighting spam. Offers a special deal involving a Nigerian inheritance.

Dec. 14: Joe Redner announces he is secretly a conservative Baptist.

Dec. 30: Governor puts committee of newspaper columnists in charge of running state.

Dec. 31: State sinks into ocean.

[Last modified December 29, 2005, 01:07:02]