Is truth stranger than fiction? In 2005, it may have been a tossup
By HOWARD TROXLER
Published December 29, 2005
The fake year in review for Tampa Bay and Florida, 2005 edition:
Jan. 6: Report says fewer manatees killed by boats. Manatees accused of "not fighting fair."
Jan. 20: New USF policy bans faculty from dating students "unless they're really hot."
Jan. 25: Notorious land speculator Don Connolly's will demands $50,000 for him not to be buried in neighbor's yard.
Jan. 28: Legislature approves School of Tarot and Astrology at Florida State University.
Feb. 2: In a publicity move, Dillard's department store renames escalator previously nicknamed "the Crusher" as "Mr. Dillard's Wild Ride."
Feb. 12: Group announces campaign to bar violators of Ten Commandments from getting married in Florida. Coveters and adulterers protest.
March 6: Florida schools still rank near bottom. Governor sends fruit basket to Alabama.
March 22: Tampa Sports Authority reconsiders policy of stretch limousines and free back rubs for members during games.
April 11: Casino shuttle boat in St. Petersburg unexpectly rampages through crowd at BayWalk, causing structural damage before bursting into flames.
April 27: State Ethics Commission adopts new policy: "If it feels good, do it."
May 14: Bucs owner Malcolm Glazer buys Buckingham Palace.
May 20: Governor vetoes "road rage" bill. Slow drivers flock to left lane in celebration.
June 8: Katherine Harris announces bid for U.S. Senate after Republican Party fails to recruit a shoeshine guy from Ocala named Fred to run against her.
June 8: School principal in Hernando County offers her personal thoughts to graduates: "Four score and seven years ago ..."
June 11: Pinellas County criminal courthouse disappears in mushroom cloud. Chief Judge David A. Demers calls it "a confidential matter."
June 22: IRS investigates Florida Democratic Party. Former chairman Scott Maddox blames oversights on "pesky elves."
June 28: Tampa Bay Water announces it was "just goofin' around" when it built a desalination plant.
July 3: Republican governor candidate Tom Gallahger descends from Mount Dora bearing two stone tablets.
July 15: St. Petersburg police require BayWalk protesters to fit inside a 2-foot cube.
July 23: Tampa Mayor Pam Iorio loses fight to locate art museum in downtown hot dog stand.
Aug. 19: Bodies naked: bad. Bodies pickled, cut open and put in a museum: good.
Aug. 26: Osama bin Laden captured during fan patdown at Raymond James Stadium.
Sept. 2: Gas prices hit $10 per gallon. Hummer sales unaffected.
Sept. 10: Human link to Red Tide suspected after discovery of 10,000 floating containers of Purina Brand Algae Food.
Sept. 20: Clearwater fire chief orders female firefighters to bring coffee to "the menfolk."
Sept. 30: Red faces in Tallahassee when new directors of Citizens Property Insurance forget to take oath of office before they start self-dealing.
Oct. 18: Tallest-ever condo tower in St. Pete halted when a higher power suddenly makes workers begin speaking in different languages.
Oct. 22: Legislature votes for freedom of religion, speech, press, and assembly. Cuts out the "petition" part.
Nov. 14: New plan for handling oil spills in gulf: Everybody go to the beach and blow.
Nov. 26: State Ethics Commission issues ruling clearing Special Operations Command at MacDill Air Force Base, "just in case somebody asks us to."
Nov. 30: Epsilon fails to get memo on end of hurricane season.
Dec. 10: Attorney General Charlie Crist sends out 10-million e-mails announcing he is fighting spam. Offers a special deal involving a Nigerian inheritance.
Dec. 14: Joe Redner announces he is secretly a conservative Baptist.
Dec. 30: Governor puts committee of newspaper columnists in charge of running state.
Dec. 31: State sinks into ocean.