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Better manners should be at top of '06 resolutions

By C.T. BOWEN
Published January 2, 2006

It's been eight days since the kids attacked the wrapping paper and pulled out the MP3 player, XBox 360, bicycle or whatever it was that St. Nick or St. Grandma left under the tree.

Have your children dashed off a thank-you note to let the relatives and friends know they appreciate the thoughtfulness?

Neither have mine.

But it will be one of the requirements to be completed before they return to the classroom Jan. 10. A co-worker says Santa leaves blank thank-you cards in her children's stockings. That is a smart accompaniment to the socks, underwear, batteries and other stocking doodads.

Writing a thank-you note is a simple courtesy. But at least one of our readers believes such courtesies are going by the wayside. Not from children. From adults.

Jamie Van Beek of Holiday thinks some grownups do a poor job of acknowledging children displaying proper manners. She expressed her sentiments in a letter published Dec. 1 and in a subsequent interview.

Van Beek's ire stemmed from a recent incident in a grocery store. Her 12-year-old daughter, Nicci, is mentally disabled. Still, her mom described her as happy-go-lucky, friendly and polite.

Nicci had gone to fetch the cart as they entered the store. She said "Excuse me" to an adult doing likewise. The shopper, Van Beek said, failed to speak to Nicci. Instead, she jerked away the cart and stalked off.

"When they do not acknowledge a child's manners, it makes my skin crawl," Van Beek said. "I see it all the time. That's why it really gripes me. Manners are so important."

She wonders if ageism is at work. Adults, particularly seniors, have a negative image of today's youths, she said.

Maybe. But recent research suggests another alternative.

A spring 2005 University of Michigan study, detailed in SeniorJournal.com, found seniors had more problems with spouses or social partners and fewer annoyances with children.

Older people, researchers suggested, have learned to pick their battles and are less likely to act aggressively in an encounter. They also speculated that seniors are better mannered and unlikely to yell during a potentially problematic situation than their younger counterparts.

Well-mannered adults, particularly seniors, face another challenge: vulnerability to criminal behavior. Con artists preying on the elderly sometimes rely on seniors' etiquette, according to authorities. Consider this advice posted on a Web site from police in Florence, S.C.:

"Senior citizens are of the generation that was taught to be courteous at all times to phone callers, as well as to people who visit them at home. Swindlers know how to take control of the conversation.

"You are under absolutely no obligation to stay on the telephone with a stranger who wants your money. In these circumstances, it is not impolite to explain that you are not interested and hang up the phone. Save your good manners for friends and family members, not swindlers!"

Van Beek said she understands those sentiments.

"I think sometimes people think the only thing younger people are going to do is hurt them," she said. However, that still offers no explanation why adults would ignore well-mannered children (she alsohas a 7-year-old daughter, Forest Regina) particularly when their parent is standing nearby.

A man in a wheelchair rolled across a parking lot to speak to her. He didn't have to. He wanted to.

She listened while he told her he had noticed one of her car tires was losing pressure. She should add some air to it, he suggested.

"That restored my faith a little bit," Van Beek said.

As it would ours. It is a simple, but appreciated gesture.

Let it stand as an appropriate way to start the new year. Perhaps we can all resolve to be better mannered in 2006.

--C.T. Bowen is the Times' editor of editorials in Pasco County. Reach him at bowen@sptimes.com or at 727 869-6239.

[Last modified January 2, 2006, 02:30:25]