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Some dogs really do remind you of owners

By HOWARD TROXLER
Published January 15, 2006

JIM: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the warmup for the AKC/Eukanuba National Championship, being held right here in the Tampa Convention Center in Tampa Bay, Florida!

JOE: That's right, Jim. This afternoon, we're inviting the dogs of prominent bay area figures to compete in an honorary "Best in Show" award for charity.

JIM: Who do we have first up, Joe? Say, isn't that dog wearing a uniform of some kind?

JOE: Yes, the dog appears to be clothed over every inch of its body. Let's see here. Its owner's name is Ronda Storms.

JIM: What about this next dog, arriving at ringside in a limousine?

JOE: That's "Yankee." The info card says Yankee is owned by a prominent businessman with Tampa connections who prefers to remain anonymous. This is the highest-paid dog in the business by far, but it hasn't won the grand prize in years.

JIM: Next up is "Largo," the mascot of a city which I understand is located just west of here in Tampa Bay, Florida. Wait a minute ... whoops! You don't see THAT on national television very often!

JOE: Yes, I agree. Largo appears to be attempting to annex the dog next to him.

JIM: The Storms dog seems offended.

JOE: Now, I am not an expert like you, Jim, but this next dog doesn't look like a winner to me. In fact, I am pretty sure this dog doesn't have a chance.

JIM: Says here the dog's name is "Case." Belongs to a lawyer named Barry Cohen. The scouting report says nobody ever thinks Cohen's Case has a chance, but he usually pulls something out.

JOE: What about this dog that seems to be having trouble with the judges?

JIM: That entry belongs to a certain Tom Gallagher of Tallahassee, Florida.

JOE: Looks like it's pulling hard to the right, Jim.

JIM: We've got a couple of announcements here, folks. First of all, starting next year, this entire event is going to be renamed in honor of U.S. Rep. C.W. Bill Young's dog, "Pork Barrel." Also, in case you're keeping a scorecard, scratch the entry for owner Dave Andreychuk.

JOE: Let's go to our floor reporter for an update. Mary?

MARY: Fellas, there was a controversy backstage just before the event started when Tampa Mayor Pam Iorio's dog imposed a surprise $1,500 impact fee on all the other dogs.

JOE: Thanks, Mary. Keep us posted. Wait a minute! A dog just snarled and barked, and then looked away in disgust. Have you got a name, Jim?

JIM: "Chucky." They say he's out of the running this year.

JOE: Those early penalties really hurt Chucky, Joe.

JIM: Now, here's something you don't see every day. This next dog is named "Darwin." It says here he was never formally trained, has no owner, and just showed up all by himself.

JOE: Meanwhile, here's another announcement: After tonight's show, the backstage kennels will be moved to Pinellas Park and converted to fashionable condominiums, starting at $375,000 each.

JIM: I understand that some local public officials have already bought and resold theirs for a huge profit, Joe.

JOE: Yes, indeedy. Good thing there is nothing illegal about that!

JIM: This next dog belongs to the Florida Legislature. Looks like its handlers are making a special request. Mary?

MARY: That's right, Jim. The Legislature says its dog simply cannot learn the complicated steps involved in being a dog without more time. They'll be asking for an extension of their term limits.

JOE: Speaking of legislators, aren't we supposed to be seeing an entry from Frank Farkas, a local state representative?

JIM: Unfortunately, Joe, somebody offered him a treat. He flew to Toronto.

JOE: Well, that's the lineup. Let's pause for these commercials. But before we break, I'd like to mention a word of thanks to the St. Petersburg Times, which has played a crucial backstage role - this show literally would not be possible without it. We'll be right back.

(Microphone accidentally left on.)

[Last modified January 15, 2006, 01:46:05]