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Sideshow
Wardrobes that needed to malfunction
By SHARON FINK
Published January 18, 2006
DAY: Dec. 13, 2005. TIME: 2 p.m. PST. PLACE: Snack area at the Crenshaw Boulevard Wal-Mart, Los Angeles. WHAT: Stylists responsible for making the just-announced Golden Globe nominees mock-free on the red carpet clandestinely gather to plan yet another uniform display of tastefulness.
At great personal peril, Sideshow obtained a transcript of this meeting, which was taped by the National Security Agency when the stylist for Osama bin Laden's wannabe-pop-singer niece unknowingly hit a button on his cell phone that dialed her number as the meeting started.
The only concession we made to get the tape was to not use the stylists' names. We didn't agree to keep their employers anonymous.
DEBRA MESSING'S STYLIST: Let's make this fast. I need to get back to the bedding aisle for sheets to make Debra's dress. She's on her last few paychecks, so she's going budget.
EVA LONGORIA'S STYLIST: Fine. Let's do everyone in red, black or white. Eva wants red. Got that, (names the stylists for Teri Hatcher, Marcia Cross, Felicity Huffman and Nicollette Sheridan)?
SHERIDAN'S STYLIST: Doesn't matter to me. Nicollette is dating Michael Bolton again. They'll go together and no one will pay any attention to what she's wearing.
CROSS' STYLIST: So Eva's definitely not repeating coral from the Emmys? Because Marcia really wants to do coral, and she was sooooooooo ticked at Eva ...
RACHEL WEISZ'S STYLIST: I can't stand all this good taste. Maybe I'll have something sticking out of her chest. Like a fan. I'll tell her it's a Memoirs of a Geisha thing. HA!
PAMELA ANDERSON'S STYLIST: Well, I'm out of ideas on how to rein in Pam's overimplanted chest. Maybe I'll just put it in a sling. In black. She can figure out how to cover up the tattoos herself.
EMMA THOMPSON'S STYLIST: Speaking of coverups, do you think an enormous furry white boa would draw attention from Emma's soccer-mom hairdo?
MESSING'S STYLIST: Anybody else have an issue? Good. I'm outta here. And nobody better follow me back to the sheets. Those brown flowered ones are MINE!
Sharon Fink can be reached at 727 893-8525 or fink@sptimes.com
[Last modified January 18, 2006, 08:41:17]
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