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Light up the way to a better love life

Give guys a break, a dating coach advises in her new book. And toss that old standard, The Rules. Just let them know you're available without being aggressive.

By MEGAN SCOTT, Associated Press
Published January 21, 2006

NEW YORK - Winning the dating game takes more than knowing The Rules and whether He's Just Not that Into You. These days, it takes strategy, says professional dating coach Nancy Slotnick.

"You don't win the game by playing by The Rules," says Slotnick, referring to the 1995 bestseller that, among other things, instructed women not to make the first move and never to call a man - and to return his calls only rarely.

"To be really good at the game, you have to have a strategy and be able to break The Rules," she says. "Be good enough so The Rules don't even apply."

Slotnick, who used to run a dating service in New York and calls herself a love life manager (she's "Hitch" for women), says women are going about the dating game all wrong: They male-bash (what woman hasn't said all men are dogs?) They play hard to get, and they foolishly believe that love is going to happen when it's "supposed" to happen (bad advice, says Slotnick).

In a new book, Turn Your Cablight On: Get Your Dream Man in 6 Months or Less, Slotnick lays out a new set of strategies, such as learning how to smile with your eyes to let men know you are interested. She also presents advice from her husband, a psychotherapist, who gives the male perspective.

"I want people to take away from this book that it is in your power to change your love life," says Slotnick, who has a degree in psychological anthropology. "You can control having a happy ending to your own fairy tale if you follow my program and are willing to put in the work."

So how do you find your dream man? Some questions for Slotnick:

A cab driver will turn his light on when he is looking for a fare, so people don't waste their time trying to flag down an unavailable cab. But what if the driver didn't know his light was off? He would be inadvertently sending out the wrong signal. People are the same way. They can be going out to meet people, but if they don't put their light on that they're available, they may be spinning their wheels. I teach women how to turn their cablight on when they go out to bars, parties, or the local Starbucks. They end up having men approach them more often because they have that cablight on.

I think the biggest mistake most dating books make is blaming the man. Give guys a break. It's hard for a guy to approach a woman he doesn't know. The book He's Just Not that Into You has a point, but it doesn't teach you how to get him into you. I think that book implies it's just going to happen when it happens. I teach a strategy to get a man into you.

That's really misleading. It makes women think that you have to wait around for Prince Charming. I was always looking. You have to make it a priority. There are things that you can do. Women have to make it easier for the guys to get to them.

You can't be too passive or too aggressive. Too passive means you go to a bar, you're hanging out with your friends, and you look like you're too busy to want to meet anyone. Too aggressive is, "I'm a feminist and women should be able to be like men and do the asking out." You need to balance being assertive, like it's okay to have the opening line, but let the guy take the lead.

You should spend 15 hours a week on the search: going to Starbucks alone with your cablight on, going to a singles event, taking a karate class or golfing lessons, online dating.

Most people would say getting into a relationship is more important then their jobs. And once you find your dream man, you are going to spend more than 15 hours with him.

Stop wallowing in self-pity because your dream guy has not fallen into your lap. As long as you get what you want, does it really matter? Always kiss on the first date (if you like the guy), so he knows you want to go out with him again. Never make two moves in a row. If you e-mail and call him and he doesn't respond, let him go. Also, playing hard to get is good, but if you are playing too hard to get, you'll wind up single.

Bottom line: "You can have the guy who is the man of your dreams, but you have to be willing to put work and time in and do some soul-searching," says Slotnick. "You can wait for it to be fair or say I am going to take charge of this."

For more information about Nancy Slotnick's dating strategies, and to learn some of her cablight tips, go to www.cablight.com

[Last modified January 20, 2006, 08:59:03]