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How about a holiday from state politicians?

By HOWARD TROXLER
Published January 22, 2006

JOE: Hi there. I'm from the Florida Legislature, and I'm here to help you.

JOHN: (Tries to run away.)

JOE: No, wait! I want to give you a tax holiday.

JOHN: A tax holiday?

JOE: That's right. I want you to get a holiday from paying Florida's sales tax for one week this August. We in the Legislature are gonna vote on it this spring.

JOHN: Hey, I've heard of this. It's that back-to-school thing, right?

JOE: No, this is even better. That back-to-school thing was only up to $50. Under my plan, you could spend up to $5,000 on anything and not pay any sales taxes on it!

JOHN: Anything? How about a new TV?

JOE: Sure. A TV. A diamond ring. A Persian handmade rug. As long as you spent it during that one week, you wouldn't pay any taxes.

JOHN: Wait a minute. To get the full benefit of this tax break, I have to spend $5,000 during a single week in August?

JOE: Uh, that's right.

JOHN: But I don't have $5,000 to spend in a single week in August.

JOE: Then, spend what you can.

JOHN: Sounds to me like you're really helping the folks with that much extra money to throw around.

JOE: What are you, a commie? This law treats everybody exactly the same. It's perfectly fair. Anybody who spends up to $5,000 gets the full break.

JOHN: "The law forbids the rich and poor alike from stealing bread."

JOE: Huh?

JOHN: Just something I heard once. Listen, I have a counteroffer.

JOE: Try me.

JOHN: My wife and I own a little house. We barely get by. We got dumped by our insurance company and now we're in Citizens, the state pool. They keep jacking up our rates. Why not fix that, instead of helping folks with an extra $5,000 to spend?

JOE: It doesn't work that way, bub. My conservative principles forbid me from using general revenues to prop up Citizens Property Insurance, or the state's hurricane catastrophic fund.

JOHN: It's philosophically wrong to use the state's general revenues to protect us against hurricanes?

JOE: Right. So, I'm sorry, but you're just going to have to get your money back through my tax break, and then we'll take it back from you later with higher insurance rates.

JOHN: But I tell you, I'm not getting any money BACK. I'll have to spend more so I don't have to pay taxes on it.

JOE: You could always put it on credit, you know.

JOHN: What about the schools? What about the universities? What about the roads? If we've got all this extra money, shouldn't we try to solve some of these problems I keep hearing about? Maybe we'd be better off in the long run.

JOE: Boy, are YOU a sucker! That's not conservative. See, we figure this is a one-time windfall. We can't spend it on schools or that kind of stuff, because then we'd have to spend that much more every year.

JOHN: You couldn't figure out how to do it? Didn't Gov. Jeb Bush himself, when it suited him in the past, use this kind of "nonrecurring" money to balance his budget?

DAN: Sorry to interrupt you two gentlemen, but I couldn't help overhearing. Sir, is this Republican legislator bothering you?

JOHN: Yes. He wants me to spend $5,000 that I don't have so I can save money on my sales taxes.

DAN: Well, you should try our Democrat Brand Tax Relief Instead!

JOHN: How does that work?

DAN: We give everybody $100.

JOHN: That's it? You just give everybody $100? Isn't that unfair to the people who paid more in the first place?

DAN: The heck with them. Most of those guys are Republicans anyway.

JOHN: But what about the schools, the insurance fund, and all that stuff?

DAN: What are you, a commie?

JOE: Come on, Dan, let's go find somebody who appreciates us. This guy obviously doesn't get it.

DAN: Ingrate.

[Last modified January 22, 2006, 01:01:11]