Print

Email story

Comment

Email editor

Q's, A's as you watch X's, O's

By BRUCE MICHAUD
Published February 3, 2006

A lot of wives will get stuck watching the Super Bowl game this weekend. When you haven't watched football all season and you try to make conversation, it's a bit like coming into Desperate Housewives mid season. To keep the peace, I will give you a few answers to questions you might ask, and some suggested questions for the seasoned Super Bowlers in the front row of your living room.

Answers to your might-ask questions:

- Hulk Hogan is not in this sport.

- The winner does not play anyone else next week.

- Nobody changed the channel to MTV; Mick Jagger is singing at half time.

- The referee is not watching the game on TV, the coach challenged the play and he's checking it again on the sidelines.

- I don't know why he still can't figure it out after watching again in slow motion on his TV. Throw a cup across the room at this point and put your hands on your head in disbelief.

- Yeah, you can go in the other room and watch Dance Fever for a while; nobody will notice you're gone.

- What percent of the time has the quarterback rolled to the left while throwing on the 14 yard line in 2 mph wind against linebacker blitzes?

Well, what percent of the time have you picked up your smelly socks off the floor and placed them in the laundry basket without me telling you too?

(If he says, "All of the time," throw a red dish towel in the middle of the room and challenge that call.)

- Yes, I know how the referee feels after watching it again and again. (And still you're in disbelief that he's unaware of the hamper's location.)

- If the winner doesn't play anybody next week, that means you can paint the house and retile the roof.

- It must be halftime. . . . I'm no longer talking to the bald spot on the back of your head, and you're singing the wrong words to (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction.

- These are not million-dollar commercials this year, honey. Most advertisers are going to the Winter Olympics, and they could not get that kind of money from anybody this year.

- Yes, if you leave cheese dip on the coffee table, the dog will eat it. If you had looked, you would have seen his nose prints in it while you were dipping chips.

- You can't believe how many times he has gone off-sides today, how dumb can he be? I mean, it's not like asking the guy to empty the garbage every other day and he claims he forgot because he was thinking about something else. It's easy. You wait until the ball's snapped, or the garbage bag is full.

- Hulk Hogan and the cast from Desperate Housewives are all on Dance Fever tonight. How cool is that!

Bruce Michaud lives in Odessa and contributes occasionally to North of Tampa.

[Last modified February 2, 2006, 11:27:10]