Print

Email story

Comment

Email editor

A Killer Within

A final blessing

In his farewell column, Barry Bradley discusses his decision to end cancer treatments and reflects on the gifts he has received.

By BARRY BRADLEY
Published February 5, 2006

	[Times photo: Lara Cerri]
	Barry Bradley at his home in January. The inevitability of death provides him, and us, with insight into life.
	Related stories

Editor's note: Two days after Christmas 2004, St. Petersburg Times editor Barry Bradley was diagnosed with lung cancer. He had surgery to remove part of his left lung, followed by four months of chemotherapy. He was hopeful that the surgery and the chemo would be a cure. It wasn't. This is the seventh and last installment of his fight against a killer within. To read his earlier stories and some of the letters he received in response, please go to www.sptimes.com/bradley

Of the thousands of stories I've written during my career, this is certainly the most difficult because I will have to dig deep to write it, and because it probably will be the last story I'll ever write.

I have battled lung cancer for more than a year and I've chronicled that fight for many thousands of readers. More than 2,000 of you have responded with cards, letters and e-mails telling me to fight on, and many times sharing with me your own battles with this loathsome disease.

Your heartfelt thoughts and prayers have been a blessing to me all the way through this battle, and have sustained me during some of my darkest hours.

But this story, like any story, must come to an end. And here, on this beautiful January day, this is it. In the words that follow, I will share with you what I have learned during this struggle, and what I hope to leave behind with you.

For what I have received is a great gift, a gift for which words are insufficient tools to build a story that says how much I truly appreciate what you - and life - have given me.

In the beginning I ruled out any radiation, but because cancer is such a moving target, I recently changed my mind.

I decided to undergo two weeks of treatments on a single tumor in the lower cavity of my left lung because that's the one causing the most pain.

The oncological technician planned to aim 10 shots of photon beam radiation at the tumor, killing the nerves to relieve the discomfort. I hoped I'd be relatively free of pain since the medication I take every day is handling most of the other pain fairly well.

But now, even as I write this, I've changed my mind again. I'm cutting off the radiation after six treatments because the side effects are greater than I anticipated. My esophagus is nearly swollen shut and I choke very easily unless I chew my food extremely carefully. In addition, the time will come soon when I won't be able to get out of bed. I'm doing pretty well now, but this kind of cancer is like a Florida weed. All it needs is a little dirt and a few drops of water and off it goes.

As many of you know, I've been under the care of the Hospice of the Florida Suncoast for the past few months. The care I have received from these kind and compassionate people has been beyond description.

I've had to check into Hospice House Woodside twice over the course of my treatment for major medication changes, which is routine whenever there is the need to increase dosage or make any major change in meds. The care I received was exemplary.

And I'm told that the closer you get to death, the more your dreams seem to contain spiritual themes. This has been true in my case.

I cannot share with you the content of these incredible dreams because of their personal nature other than to say if I didn't believe in a hereafter before, I do now.

And this is no foxhole conversion either. I've been a Christian all my life.

But these dreams confirm, at least to me, the existence of something profound on the other side, and that what we experience here is but a blink of an eyelash compared to the journey that lies before us.

If there's one thing that stands out over the past year, it is the number of blessings I have received from so many people. If you've read any of my previous stories you have seen how people have stopped me on the street, in the supermarket, in a restaurant, even getting on an elevator to tell me how much my stories have meant to them. Many times they have asked me to come out to their car to talk to their wife, their mother or other relatives who are suffering from cancer in the hope that I could somehow cheer them up. I always took the time. And no matter how much of a blessing they claimed to receive, I can assure you the blessing I received was far greater.

Which brings me to the point of this entire story. When your head hits the pillow at night, ask yourself "Who have I blessed today?" Try it for a couple of weeks and you'll see what I mean. Just ask yourself whose life have you made better that day. You might be surprised at how much good you can do by taking a moment to make someone else's day a little better. Amazingly it makes your day even better.

Now that doesn't mean you can't get justifiably ornery every now and then and take the head off some snot-nosed, impudent pharmacist who grills you on your pain med prescription. You can. But you had better be prepared to go back and apologize the next day.

Fear will always wither in the face of courage, just as anger will fade in the presence of kindness;

The darkness of death will wane in the light of God's love and all sorrow will be washed away.

My body will be gone soon, but my soul will survive.

I will but wrap the warm blankets of a full life about me and peacefully go to sleep in the arms of the angels.

Goodbye and God bless.

[Last modified February 5, 2006, 06:24:11]