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Guys, make your sweetie swoon

The most romantic Valentine's Day ever! These are the words you want to hear your honey tell her best friend the next day. I have interviewed more than a million women and cooked up the perfect recipe to make this day all it needs to be for the woman in your life. Follow along, young man, as I lead you into the unknown.

By BRUCE MICHAUD
Published February 12, 2006

1. If she says her heart grew two sizes after she opened your gift, that is not good. Remember, she has pictured you as the knight in shining armor. When the only line she can think of is from the The Grinch, you're a long way from Gone With the Wind.

2. She shops the mall like a hawk circling a cornfield and knows you bought her lighted flowers from Spencer's because you waited too long for real ones. That's like trying to fool them at Disney by getting in the handicapped line when your only disability is that you look dumb.

3. When you sit down at her favorite restaurant and reach over and hold her hand, take a deep breath and say, "I wish every day was Valentine's Day. I love you so much! Did you pay the cable bill this month?" It's important for her to know that you love her as much as cable and that it's coming from your heart.

4. Open her door to let her in the car. This shows the utmost respect for her and most car dealerships; they put the transmission oil change sticker in the passenger door frame so it won't be mixed up with the regular oil change. Good time to check it.

Biggest mistakes:

1. Going to a restaurant with six Orkin service trucks out front. This means everyone in the restaurant brought in flowers for their dates and now it's filled with love bugs.

2. Don't bring up last year's Valentine's date. You have no idea where you went, what you did or what she got you. It's like reaching for a spider web while in quicksand - it'll never hold you and will only get more tangled as you grab at it.

3. Coming home and kissing the dog hello before her.

4. If you have no idea it's Valentine's Day, then do kiss the dog and take him to PetsMart for dinner.

5. If you walk in and see your wife standing there with her arms crossed, tapping her foot, drop to the floor and pretend to go into convulsions. Try not to kiss the dog as he stands over you smelling the Double Decker that you had for lunch. Call 911. Ask to be airlifted. Good luck!

- Bruce Michaud of Odessa writes occasionally for North of Tampa.

[Last modified February 11, 2006, 10:43:05]