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Yanni, we hardly knew ye

By ROBERT FRIEDMAN
Published March 12, 2006

With a defense attorney like this, Yanni doesn't need any prosecutors.

The luxuriantly locked schlockmeister spent 12 hours in the Palm Beach County Jail earlier this month after being charged with slapping and shaking his girlfriend during a late-night spat at his $7.7-million home in Manalapan.

So what did Yanni's attorney, Orlando Gonzalez, have to say on behalf of his client?

Did he say: "Anyone who has ever listened to his haunting, ethereal keyboard noodling knows that Yanni is a sensitive New Age man who would never, ever strike a woman, no matter what the provocation"?

No.

Did he say: "Yanni - the legendary composer of Dare to Dream, Dreaming of You, In Celebration of Life and I Love You Perfect - is a gentle man of peace who is incapable of causing harm to a fellow inhabitant of planet Earth"?

No.

What Gonzalez did tell the Palm Beach Post was this: "The last thing this man would want to do is hurt his hands."

As lame defenses go, this one ranks right up there with the one former U.S. Attorney General Griffin Bell claims he heard back when he was a young lawyer in Atlanta. Bell said his client was arrested at a downtown flophouse and accused of public drunkenness and setting his bed on fire.

"Your honor, I admit I was drunk," Bell said the man told the court. "But that bed was on fire when I got in it."

As it happens, Yanni did hurt his left middle finger during his altercation with girlfriend Silvia Barthes, but he told authorities he only grabbed Barthes' arms after she kicked him in the groin. Yanni's version of events doesn't explain how Barthes wound up with a bloody lip. According to the Post, Yanni (real name John Y. Christopher) is barred from further contact with Barthes and must check in daily with court workers.

This breakup is turning out to be messier than Yanni's split with actress Linda Evans in 1998 after a nine-year relationship. Back then, Yanni and Evans issued a touching joint statement: "We have collaborated professionally and have shared many extraordinary personal experiences," it said. And yet: "We feel our lives moving in different directions."

For the sake of his reputation, Yanni should consider issuing another statement to explain his split with Barthes, maybe something like: "I felt my hand and her face moving in the same direction."

Or he could just repeat some of the sage advice about life and love he has offered his public in the past, such as: "Relationships should be a freeing experience rather than an enslavement. They should be an energy giver rather than an energy drainer."

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Bob, you're just jealous of Yanni's hair. Otherwise, you'd be making fun of Phil Collins, too."

But you'd be wrong. I used to be jealous of Yanni's hair, back when it had the bounce and sheen of Andie McDowell's. But now, based on his mug shot, Yanni has started borrowing Richard Petty's barber. That's not a good look for Yanni, unless he plans to quit playing the Taj Mahal and start playing Talladega.

Meanwhile, if soccer star David Beckham ever gets an urge to kick his wife, Posh Spice - and I'm not suggesting for a moment that he should - his lawyer might want to come up with a better defense than "the last thing this man would want to do is hurt his feet."

[Last modified March 10, 2006, 18:08:02]