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Music

'Trapped' proves to be tantalizing

By SEAN DALY
Published March 23, 2006

	R. Kelly’s 12-part Trapped in the Closet, which has been released on DVD, has found a following.
	As bad as he wants to be R&B star R. Kelly's fans are more interested in his music than his legal problems.

Trapped in the Closet, R. Kelly's 12-part hip-hopera about foreplay, gunplay and a flatulent little person, is either pure genius or pure madness. The spiraling story-song - with nary a hook or a chorus to be found, just Kelly warbling narrative over synthy bombast - has spawned a smash DVD, a notorious "live" performance on the 2005 Video Music Awards and rumors of future installments.

Just in case Trapped turns out be Gen Y's American Pie - go ahead and laugh, but it was the main reason Kelly's 2005 album, TP.3 Reloaded, went platinum - here's a Cliffs Notes version of what has happened so far. Or at least what I think has happened. To be honest, that flatulent little person threw me for a loop.

Chapter 1: Married man Sylvester wakes up in "a bed that don't belong to me." He's cheating with Cathy. Suddenly, Cathy's husband is home. Sylvester hides in the bedroom closet. His cell phone rings. Busted!

Chapter 2: Sylvester pulls a gun on Cathy's husband, Rufus. Rufus reveals himself to be a pastor, who has been having an affair . . . with a dude named Chuck. "I can't believe it's a man!" Sylvester exclaims as Chuck walks in.

Chapter 3: As Cathy and Rufus and Chuck bicker, Sylvester calls home to his wife . . . but a strange dude picks up the phone. Busted!

Chapter 4: Enraged, Sylvester races home, getting a speeding ticket along the way. His wife claims the stranger on the phone was her brother, Twan. Sylvester buys this, then takes his wife to the boudoir. Sylvester finds a condom in the bed, apparently not his brand.

Chapter 5: Sylvester's wife, Gwen, admits she's also having an affair . . . with the cop who gave Sylvester the speeding ticket!

Chapter 6: Oh, how Gwen and Sylvester laugh about all of this deceit. Good times, good times. Gwen then admits that Twan, returning home from jail, should arrive any second. But the cop, James, shows up instead. He pulls a gun. Sylvester and James tussle. The gun goes off . . .

Chapter 7: . . . and the bullet hits Twan, who would have been much safer in jail. Sylvester and the cop blame each other. Twan gets up. Just a flesh wound. There's a knock on the door. Who's there? "Rosie the nosy neighbor." This, apparently, is very funny.

Chapter 8: James, the cop, goes home. His wife, Bridget, is jittery. What's up with that? Just making a cherry pie, dear. Yeah, right. James is convinced someone is in the house . . .

Chapter 9: . . . especially since there's a slice missing from the cherry pie - and Bridget is allergic to cherries. Busted! James throws open the kitchen cabinet door to reveal a little person . . .

Chapter 10: . . . named Big Man. Actually, R. Kelly calls him a "midget," which isn't very nice at all. James draws a gun; Bridget draws a double-barrel shotgun; Big Man draws an inhaler. Twan and Sylvester show up. Big Man faints, but not before having severe bowel distress.

Chapter 11: It turns out that Big Man is a diminutive dancer at a male revue called Dixie's. Bridget, apparently a fan of wee strippers, hired Big Man to follow her husband. Bridget and Big Man fell in love. And now Bridget is pregnant with Big Man's baby. Big Man faints again.

Chapter 12: Back at Cathy's house - you know, where we started. Cathy, Rufus and Chuck are still bickering. Phone rings. It's Gwen, Sylvester's wife - who, it turns out, is friends with Cathy - complaining that Sylvester has been cheating with a [bad word]. After much hemming and hawing, Cathy 'fesses up: "That [bad word] was me!"

Got that? Good.

To be continued . . .

[Last modified March 22, 2006, 12:25:34]