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Is that the bird flu or just my allergies?

By SHEILA STOLL
Published March 28, 2006

Spring has sprung,

The grass is riz.

I wonder where

The birdies is.

Don't hang around with dem birdies when dey do turn up.

Usually the flu season winds up about now, but we're hearing that migrating birds may be spreading avian flu. This is not good news. You may not want to keep stocking the old bird feeder. They'll still find stuff to eat, and you don't want migrating-bird poo in your yard.

I love spring. Unfortunately my sinuses don't, I wind up viewing recently sprouted blooming things through streaming eyes.

Usually over-the-counter allergy medicines take care of the problem, but where I live those nostrums are now "controlled," meaning that I have to present I.D., stand in line at the prescription desk with people who are really sick, and pay for my allergy stuff at the desk. They apparently fear that I'm going to spirit away my allergy stuff, rush into my aluminum-clad kitchen and cook up a batch of methamphetamine to sell at the senior center. I'm not that good a cook. I can wreck even a sturdy egg.

Coughing and sneezing in a public place, I feel compelled to tell everyone that I'm not contagious, I'm just reacting to the beauty of nature.

They look as if they don't believe me. They think I have a diseased cockatoo at home that has been consorting with a migrating cormorant and I'm bringing illness and death to the community.

What about the snotty-nosed kid behind me in the line who is coughing and sneezing on everyone and sounds like he has croup? The one whose parents feared he'd become autistic if they had him vaccinated? I just have allergies.

That doesn't mean I hate your dog or cat. It just means you should buy stock in Kimberly-Clark, the folks who bring us Kleenex.

The birdie most in the news is the recently sighted (maybe) ivory-billed woodpecker. When I lived in Florida, I hoped I would be the one to sight that fabled bird. I saw and heard lots of pileated woodpeckers but knew none was ivory-billed.

Apparently they hide in a swamp in Arkansas, if they hide anywhere. I really hope they don't consort with migrating chickens.

I worry about the small flock of whooping cranes that migrate to the Chassahowitzka Wildlife Refuge near Crystal River. They probably hang out with other migratory birds along the way.

Anyway, the usual ending of the flu season can't be counted on this year. But you can count on the hurricane season turning up too soon. Got your evacuation plans in place? I suppose you know the government is not likely to help you out. So when the emergency folks tell you to leave, LEAVE.

Take your bird, drug your cat and put it in the car, get away, far away. Dade City isn't far enough. Go to Indianapolis.

I now live in Arizona. We have a new population of people from New Orleans. Many are musicians. They are not on tour, they are in exile.

Still, it's spring. I'm sneezing and enjoying the spring blooms, aware that life renews itself annually. It would be nice if people had that ability

The advantage we have is our experience. We should know enough to heed warnings, get out of town when danger looms, don't mess with birds that might carry diseases and just keep on keeping on.

Don't let the turkeys send your blood pressure into the ionosphere. Find someone who can sort out Part D of the Medicare plan for you. They may be able to find a way to get your hypertension medication for you without a third mortgage on your mobile home.

Continuing to live is the best revenge. Happy spring!

Write to Sheila Stoll c/o Seniority, St. Petersburg Times, P.O. Box 1121, St. Petersburg, FL 33731.

[Last modified March 28, 2006, 08:56:01]