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City Life

Mail means what it says - if you know what it means

By SANDRA THOMPSON
Published April 22, 2006

The other day I was outside when the mail carrier arrived. When he handed me a fistful of mail, I remarked, "I'm sure this is all really valuable."

"If it weren't, I wouldn't deliver it," he answered.

We were both joking, of course, and I went inside and did what I do every day. I tossed 90 percent of the mail into the trash. Some days it's 100 percent.

My daughter's husband is from a country where mail is perhaps taken more seriously, and at first he was stunned to see her blithely throw out important-looking mail from bank and credit card companies and who knows what else.

Here, no one who wasn't born yesterday thinks that messages on envelopes mean what they say. They're almost in another language.

I saved some of my favorite junk mail from the past several months, noting some common phrases that may need translations.

This means what it says, except they're not referring to your mortgage rate. They're referring to theirs, the one they want to sell you. A particular Tampa mortgage company sends me offers all the time at 1 percent if I borrow over $500,000!

This implies there is something valuable inside like a credit card. There isn't. There may be a representation of the card they want to sell you.

Time-sensitive, yes, but only in the sense that the sooner you accept their deal, the sooner they get your money.

There may be a check enclosed but if you cash it, you're signing on to something that in the long run will cost you a lot more.

But not for your vehicle. The letter inside informs you that your car's factory warrantee has expired or will expire soon. Given that "soon" is a relative term, this statement applies to every vehicle. The company wants to offer you "extended protection," naturally.

Throw it out.

Yes, but again, not your car insurance but theirs, the one they want to sell you.

On an envelope stating that only three issues are left on my subscription to Harper's Bazaar? I'd say that's a matter of opinion. How about this personalized approach:

So may an earthquake.

Or this:

Inside is a pitch to test your water. "Florida Water Works" is said to be "a private business doing this as a public awareness program." Oh, sure.

means "discard."

You be the judge. This message was stamped in red onto an envelope you don't even have to open to be asked these questions: "Do you hear but do not understand? Do people seem to mumble? Do words run together? Is it hard to follow conversation in groups or in noisy environments?"

Well, gee, do all those symptoms mean I'm going blind?

If the hard sell doesn't work, go for the soft sell: A small almost square envelope that looks like an invitation or thank-you note with the address written in script so tiny you might think it's from a very insecure friend. Interesting that the aforementioned Tampa mortgage company uses the same poor soul to address its envelopes as does Dell Home Systems in Dallas.

Sandra Thompson, a Tampa writer, can be reached at sthompson125@tampabay.rr.com City Life appears on Saturday.

[Last modified April 22, 2006, 01:38:14]