The Internet provides a vast resource for finding romance or friendship, but caution is needed to avoid dangerous entanglements.
By Times Staff
Published May 30, 2006
"Many older folks are using the Internet to find a partner,'' say Jerrold and Edith Kemp, authors of Older Couples: New Romances - Finding and Keeping Love in Later Life (Ten Speed Press, 2002, $14.95).
The Kemps suggest that you first explore your values and interests and share them with a possible partner through mail or e-mail before meeting face to face.
The authors, of Mariposa, Calif., said they believe that habits formed over years of living separately can cause conflict between older people seeking a relationship.
They speak from experience: They met when he, a textbook author and former college professor, was 75, and she was a 66-year-old psychotherapist. Both had been widowed after many years of marriage. They offer this advice:
Rushing into a relationship after death or divorce can lead to a poor choice and much unhappiness. It's important to first find a life of your own as a newly single person.
Matters of inheritance, sharing expenses and separate assets should be discussed before living together; a premarital agreement is a good idea.
Before you commit, ask yourself: Do you care enough for this other person to accept the possibility of becoming his or her caregiver?
The joy and excitement of falling in love is the same at any age, the Kemps added. And the knowledge that life is growing shorter can lead to cherishing every moment of a new relationship.
Before you hit send . . .
Here are some online dating safety tips from Match.com:
Start slow: Watch out for someone who seems too good to be true. Begin by communicating solely via e-mail, then look for odd behavior or inconsistencies. The person at the other end may not be who or what he or she says. If anything makes you uncomfortable, log off.
Guard your anonymity: Never include your last name, e-mail address, home address, phone number, place of work or any other identifying information in your initial messages. Stop communicating with anyone who pressures you for such information or attempts to trick you into revealing it.
Exercise common sense: Thoughtful decisions generally yield better dating results. Suitors must earn your trust gradually, through consistently honorable, forthright behavior. Take all the time you need to test for a trustworthy person and pay careful attention along the way. If you suspect someone is lying, he or she probably is, so act accordingly. Don't become prematurely intimate with someone, even if that intimacy only occurs online.
Do a little digging: Do your own research on potential matches. Get as much information as possible by asking questions, using Internet search engines (try www.ask.com) and most important, using common sense. Many online companies supply background checks.
Chat on the phone: A phone call can reveal much about a person's communication and social skills. Consider your security and do not reveal your personal phone number to a stranger. Try a cell phone number instead or use telephone blocking techniques to prevent your phone number from appearing on Caller ID.
Watch for red flags: Pay attention to displays of anger, frustration or attempts to pressure or control you. Acting in a passive-aggressive manner, making demeaning or disrespectful comments or any physically inappropriate behavior are all red flags. You should be concerned if your online conversation partner:
Provides inconsistent information about age, interests, appearance, marital status, profession, employment.
Fails to provide direct answers to direct questions.
Some online sources
If you'd like to use the Internet to find companionship and/or romance, many Web sites offer matching services and advice. They include:
