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A new season of sexuality

Author Gail Sheehy explores the passions of older women in a new book, 30 years after her landmark Passages.

By NANCY PARADIS
Published May 30, 2006

Back in 1976, when Gail Sheehy catapulted to fame with Passages, her exploration of the personality and sexual changes adults undergo during each decade ended with the 50s. Fortunately, as the population has aged, so has Sheehy.

With her recent release, Sex and the Seasoned Woman: Pursuing the Passionate Life, Sheehy suggests that for many women, life - including sexual fulfillment - doesn't even start until they hit their middle years.

As men are winding down their careers, women who have reared their children to adulthood are ready to tackle delayed careers of their own. With new confidence that they can make it on their own, these women often reinvent themselves.

Or they may forge a new self-image that includes both love and sex - with their husbands or, if they've left a loveless marriage, with boyfriends, many of whom are younger and able to keep up with them, at least until the typical drifting apart.

(To those who lament that there are no decent available men past a certain age, Sheehy points to the Internet, which has a multitude of dating opportunities for those in their middle or later years.)

Sheehy does concede that "seasoned sex'' is not the only path to fulfillment in the middle years, which she defines as beginning in one's late 40s or 50s. For some women, a fulfilling passion might come from identifying and pursuing a dream. For others, the journey involves a spiritual exploration and realization that "the pilgrimage is the point."

The author bases her conclusions on interviews with 200 women across the country, many of whom do not seem to represent the average woman entering middle age. The interviewees are, by and large, well-educated and financially secure. And they are more likely to have the ability and drive to create a second life for themselves.

But as the title suggests, this book focuses on sex. In Sheehy's exploration of the relationship women have with their sexual selves in later years, the author has identified five basic types she says include most "seasoned'' women. Which are you?

1. Passionates (40 percent)

"These are healthy, independent, sexy women,'' married or single, Sheehy writes, "anywhere between their late 40s and 80s, usually working and able to take care of themselves financially. They are passionate about their work or a cause, or in pursuit of a new dream or spiritual quest."

2. Seekers (20 percent)

"These are healthy, single women who indicate they are "hungry for sex" or will "never give up" but are not yet having much luck . . . they're not sure how to play it."

3. WMDs (Women Married, Damnit; 15 percent)

"These are women who are frustrated by marriages that have been emotionally dead and sexually moribund for some time, or who feel victimized by a mate who is a chronic drinker, adulterer or poor provider, etc. But for utilitarian reasons, (these women) are not ready or able to initiate change. And they don't have a new passion or spiritual direction."

4. SQs (Status Quos; 12 percent)

These women are not necessarily unhappy, just resigned. They don't have a new dream or a new love. At this point, they feel the status quo is preferable to the risk and discomfort of change.

5. LLs (Lowered Libidos; 12 percent)

These are women who have given up on sex or who "grin and bear it." Most are married; most of the rest are divorced.

Sex and the Seasoned Woman: Pursuing the Passionate Life,by Gail Sheehy. Random House, $25.95.

[Last modified May 29, 2006, 15:30:47]