Take Two column

Rockies having a devil of a time with God

By TOM JONES
Published June 4, 2006

So the reason the Colorado Rockies are so good (Watch out, they're hovering around .500!) is because God likes them. And, silly us, we thought God was more interested in the little things such as you know, wars and famine.

Nope, the Creator of Heaven and Earth spends most of his days figuring out Colorado's lineup and helping out with those pesky double switches.

Rockies president Kelli McGregor told USA Today, "(God's) using us in a powerful way."

General manager Dan O'Dowd said, "You look at some of the games we're winning. Those aren't just a coincidence. God has definitely had a hand in this."

We're cool if the Rockies, as some have suggested, are building an all-Christian team and banned obscene music, Playboy and even Maxim from the clubhouse. We're totally fine with the Rockies going public about their faith and wanting to convert the heathens.

But suggesting God has a rooting interest in the outcome of Colorado Rockies games only makes a joke of the cause they're trying to promote.

And anyway, everyone knows God is an Angels fan.

I'm sure the Stanley Cup playoffs have been just riveting, and I can't wait to watch as soon as I find OLN on my television.

Seriously, I start to click around, and I end up sidetracked by Law & Order: SVU reruns or The E! True Hollywood Story of Charles in Charge. By the time I finally work my way up to OLN, I have carpal tunnel, some guy in a flannel shirt named Bo or Cody is getting flung off a bull and I don't feel all that bad that the hockey game has been over for an hour.

The past few weeks have proved what a horrible mistake the NHL made leaving ESPN, which, if you've noticed, now treats hockey like the fat girl in school with the Phil Collins T-shirt. You get three updates on the Royals-A's game before the first Rod Brind'Amour sighting. And who can blame ESPN when the hockey ratings are in the same neighborhood as what TBS gets at 6 in the morning for Mama's Family?

We're opposed to violence, and we certainly don't condone anyone getting punched (unless it's Curt Schilling). But we're guessing about 700 major-league baseball players broke into the Macarena when the Cubs' Michael Barrett belted the White Sox's A.J. Pierzynski.

Pierzynski, with that smirk and mouth, is about as popular in major-league clubhouses as scurvy, and that includes the places he played. We're not saying A.J. had it coming, but ... actually, that's exactly what we're saying.

After catching a few minutes on TV the other day (Okay, I couldn't find the remote.), it dawned on me that the LPGA should consider a senior tour for players too old to play on the regular tour. Starting age should be, what, 20? The last time I saw this many teenage girls in one place was at Roman Polanski's pool party.

Maybe the Rays could offer the rights to Matt White to the Mets for Carlos Beltran. Don't laugh. Those geniuses took Victor Zambrano for Scott Kazmir. This is starting to turn into Danny Cater-for- Sparky Lyle proportions on its way to being Milt Pappas-for- Frank Robinson. How many pitchers in the AL would you take right now before Kazmir? Three? Four? Any?

By the way, the Kazmir-for-Zambrano swap isn't the worst trade in Mets history. Seriously, who trades Anna Benson?

Is there some sort of soccer tournament coming up? I'd like to be interested, but soccer reminds me too much of my love life - lots of running around but not much scoring.

I subscribe to what Times columnist Gary Shelton once said: "There is an easy way to get me to watch the World Cup. Put my kid in it."

Amen. Until then, I'll be watching Mama's Family.

[Last modified June 4, 2006, 13:07:06]