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Books

The Men of Metal

By COLETTE BANCROFT
Published June 22, 2006

From the shuckers and strutters of Entourage to the solemn committee debating "man laws" on Miller beer ads, goofing on guyhood is enjoying what Time magazine calls a "menaissance" in pop culture.

Although there is some question as to whether real men read books, zooming up the bestseller list faster than a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick is The Alphabet of Manliness by Internet celeb Maddox.

Hoping to cash in on the success of his notorious Web site, www.thebestpageintheuniverse.com, Maddox (the nom de Web of 28-year-old Utah resident George Ouzounian) has compiled a collection of manly terms, from "ass-kicking" to "zombies," complete with comic-book illustrations.

As he writes in his introduction, "If you're standing around a bookstore . . . wondering why someone would have a picture of a man punching a gorilla on the cover of a book, this book isn't for you."

If you're puzzled by that gorilla assault, another new book may be just what you need. The Spotter's Guide to the Male Species is a handy pocket-sized volume, peppered with teeny color photos.

The quasiscientific prose covers such subjects as the male's appearance and plumage (novelty socks bad, wristwatch "a good sign - it means he can tell time"), natural habitat and mating habits.

Its author is British writer Juliette Wills, a 32-year-old journalist who covers sports, film and music for men's magazines and writes a soccer column for the Guardian newspaper.

Here are Maddox and Wills on a subject dear to the manly heart, metal music.

- COLETTE BANCROFT, Times staff writer

From The Alphabet of Manliness:

M Is for Metal

If manliness had a soundtrack, the score would be metal. No other genre of music is in jeopardy of dying out because its fans keep getting killed at concerts. Decades ago, angry menstruating moms and fanatical Christian conservatives tried to get metal banned for being a bad influence on our youth. They claimed that metal caused harm to children and caused violent behavior in adolescents. Today we know for a fact that they were right. . . .

Rock historians often try to connect classical influences with metal in a strained attempt to make heavy metal seem more complex and sophisticated. They talk about the sociopolitical statements the lyrics make, using fancy words like "dichotomy" to describe the impact metal has on our culture. I don't even want to know what "dichotomy" means. I've never used that word in my life, except in the last two sentences. These forced references and $6 words are made in an attempt to legitimize metal as an art form.

I don't want metal to become more legitimate; I want it to become less legitimate. Metal isn't made by a bunch of guys discussing the subtleties of 15th century melodic form; it's made by a bunch of dudes with heroine addictions and bad haircuts. Part of what makes metal rule so hard is the aggressive mannerisms associated with it.

Headbanging is the act of banging your head in synch with a particularly heavy riff. Headbangers who practice this act too violently have been known to suffer from whiplash, brain damage and fatalities. No other genre of music requires you to die in order to enjoy it fully.

From The Spotter's Guide to the Male Species:

What Music He Listens To

Does he walk around the house looking like Eminem despite the fact that he's been to boarding school and has a Ph.D.? Does he listen to nothing but heavy metal, which means he can only converse by growling really loudly and nodding his head up and down in a vigorous manner? According to Nietzsche, life without music is an error, so what does the kind of music a guy is into say about him? If he listens to . . .

Heavy metal

He'll have a sore neck from banging his head at gigs, which means you'll have to be careful in the bedroom, as there will be certain things he'll find quite difficult to do, including getting spare blankets out of high cupboards without standing on a chair. He'll have a wardrobe full of the same things - once-black, now-greying band T-shirts and too-tight, cheap black jeans, and possibly some penknives that he uses at gigs to cut off other people's greasy locks when they become entwined during a head bang. . . .

On the plus side, he might have a motorbike and a spare helmet so you can mess your hair up and fear for your life at the same time. On the downside, he'll get angry really quickly because he likes loud, scary music. When he's in a bad mood he'll punch through a pane of glass before stomping off back down to his bike, revving up the engine to the screams of angry men with bad hair. He will probably make weird growling noises to himself as he pulls away.

Word for Word is an occasional feature excerpting passages of interest from books, magazines, Web sites and other sources. The text may be edited for space but the original spelling, grammar and punctuation are unchanged.

[Last modified June 21, 2006, 13:07:18]