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Beat the heat with icy stares and a chilly treat

By C.T. BOWEN
Published July 16, 2006

As the sweltering days of summer bear down on us and cause the most ardent free-speech zealots to question the right for citizens to utter "Hot enough fer ya?" I offer a list of things you can do to keep your cool this summer here in Pasco County.

- Sponsor a meeting between the Pasco Building Association and county planners. A chilly reception will await you.

- At a Republican club meeting, suggest that Hillary Clinton would be a great nominee for president. Bask in the comfort of the icy stares you will receive.* Do the same at a Democratic club meeting. You will get the same reception.

- Wherever you are in the county, loudly comment, "This will be a great place for a Wal-Mart." A frosty response will surely follow.

- Defend Aloha Utilities' water quality. You will receive a lifetime of cold shoulders capable of slowing global warming.

- Get Bill Bunting to admit that the Second Amendment is seriously flawed. With hell frozen over, Moon Lake can't be far behind.

- Older than 40? Wear spandex or hip-hop clothes and regale in comments such as, "You are definitely not hot."

- Tell county officials that you could have bought a brand new, fully loaded Ford Focus for the same cost-per-inmate bed in the new jail expansion. Tell them that the county inmates can keep the cars as long as they agree to drive at least five states away and stay there.

Ohhh, that's cold.

- Make another street renaming proposal in Zephyrhills honoring Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and experience a town still frozen in time.

- As the summer brings us closer to elections, gather up all of the election signs you see in the county.

You will be the coolest person around!

Take one rectangular cake pan, and fill the bottom with graham cracker crust. Because this represents the crumbling limestone, it does not have to be spread evenly.

Leave selected ice cream (identified below) out to thaw slightly.

Fill the left side of the pan with rocky road ice cream, adding bits of broken chocolate bar along the top to represent perennially under-construction U.S. 19.

In the center of the pan, liberally spread Blue Bell's Great Divide brand ice cream. In the right side of the pan, scoop in Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia as a nod to the Deadheads gathering at Livestock each year.

Place the pan in the freezer for several hours. When completely frozen, cut a coastline on the left side of the pan to approximate Pasco's Gulf Coast; make appropriate trimming cuts around the rest of the rectangle to conform with county profile. Eat excess.

Next, over the top of the Pasco ice cream form, add sprinkles wherever sinkholes have made insurance availability impossible. (This should pretty much cover the top.)

In the approximate locations of both county courthouses (left and right side of the pan), sprinkle shortbread cookies to symbolize that when the county cries budget shortfalls, we respond, "That's the way the cookie crumbles."

In the center of the pan, place in the approximate locations of the three major nudist colonies unwrapped Snickers miniatures.

Serve.

Charlie Reese lives in Lutz.

[Last modified July 15, 2006, 22:17:05]