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A few twists on the start of school

By BRUCE MICHAUD
Published July 28, 2006

Internal memo to all school officials:

Welcome back, and here are your instructions for the first day of school!

A $100 reward for the first teacher who can report what the custodians did all summer. Please dust your room and make a welcome dust ball snowman for the children near the front door.

Let's put a new twist on the request for supplies. "Parents, don't be silly and have your child bring toilet paper to school. We have all the bathroom supplies they need. With all this political pressure to preserve trees, we are using half-ply toilet paper. Just send an industrial-sized drum of hand soap, stenciled with your child's name."

All field trips this year to the Texas oil drilling rigs on St. Pete Beach will require children to wear a respirator and a hazard suit. Please refrain from picking the sea oats!

We congratulate the teachers for this year's 10 percent raise. Though we don't support the union, we couldn't ask for a more cooperative group, as they have waited for this raise since 1967.

Please don't guess when asked, "What is this?" in the lunchroom. Have the child bring it to the science room and put it under the microscope. Or bring the language arts teachers into the kitchen to interpret what the Wide World of Epcot chefs have created.

Prepare homework assignments with no instructions for the children. Ask parents to sign to ensure they, too, do not understand basic second-grade activities.

Do not have models made out of papier-mache; require all projects be made of four-ply toilet paper. Inform students these will remain the property of the school, and place them in the teachers' lounge when completed.

Your union is looking forward to another raise in 2059! Dues will increase 10 percent to keep pace with 5 percent inflation in a tree-preserving, oil-driven economy.

All "A+" schools must explain how the bus driver, custodian, FedEx delivery person, water meter guy, parking lot street light changer person, and anyone else who set foot in the building during the year will share in the bonus money. Everybody helped!

All "F-" schools will find all the above people and ask them what in the heck was going on?

As always, after FCAT, feel free to do nothing for the next three months.

[Last modified July 28, 2006, 06:25:05]