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Cheap shirts and imaginary hallways

By MARLENE SOKOL
Published July 28, 2006

In the interest of multitasking I thought I'd share my speech for our "Boo-Hoo" breakfast. You, too, might have questions about the public schools.

Like, are they worth what we're paying?

Hey. You pay more for lawn care.

So, then: How can I make sure my child gets a good education?

This advice will cost you less than lawn care.

1. Shop for teachers. To view a personnel file of any public school teacher, call the school district records office at 272-4906. You won't see everything; they'll edit out Social Security numbers, recent evaluations, anything pertaining to an ongoing investigation. Then they'll charge you money for editing out all this good stuff.

Eventually you'll see report cards, of sorts, filled out by the principal. Anything less than a perfect grade is a red flag, and the teacher can write a rebuttal. Avoid the one who was "set up" by space aliens, or is on the principal's bad side because she got "so wasted" at Christmas. (A handy shortcut: See who's teaching the teachers' kids.)

2. How do you get the teacher you want? A teacher aunt advised dropping the phrase "teaching style" in my written request. But honestly, most teachers are pretty good. You screened out the random nut-job when you teacher-shopped, right?

3. Volunteer! Schools love parents who roll up their sleeves, and don't use your job as an excuse. You, too, can cut little felt letters or cook breakfast for Grandparents Day. Cook? Yes, a baboon can mix muffin mix and water. Menial labor is currency when you want the front office to show you some love.

4. Be the driver. Information is power. You want to know who threw scissors, who never stops talking about her divorce, and which fifth-grader is headed for America's Most Wanted. When they ask for field trip drivers, raise your hand. The older and junkier the car, the more likely it is on the approved vehicles list. Turn off the radio, like you do after sports practice, and hear the kids rat out their teachers and friends.

5. More ways to spy. With so many volunteer opportunities, you can get on the inside lickety-split. I used to publish the school yearbook. Talk about access! Storybook mom, homeroom mom, it's all good.

6. Private testing. Let's say you have a child who can carry pi to 30 places and calculate the national debt, but does not test into the gifted program. Or she can't pronounce her own name, but doesn't qualify for speech therapy because they don't flag own-name pronunciation until 11th grade. Know how sometimes you have to spend money to make money? In the school system you may have to pay money to a private therapist to access services you pay for through your taxes. There's a stack of business cards behind the school's front counter.

7. Pharmacology. Study up, especially if you have a boy. They'll throw so many prescription drug names at you, you'll think you're watching daytime television. Which helps when you're ready to spit back the dangerous side effects.

8. Soccer. Ever wonder why every child in America plays soccer? It's because if he doesn't, he will get no exercise whatsoever, except for about 10 minutes of physical education every month. So if you want your son to still be wearing a child-sized uniform when he gets to second grade, by all means sign him up for an after-school sport.

9. Those $3.99 shirts. There are two schools of thought, speaking of uniforms. One, buy the official uniform shirt at Bealls, or wherever they're selling it for about $14. It's ugly. It stains if you just look at it. And after the fifth washing the seams fall apart. Or you can go to your local discount store and load up on plain collar shirts in the approximate colors of the uniform. They go as cheap as $3.99, and I always feel vaguely guilty buying up the entire rack. My daughter's on to me and won't wear them. But my son still doesn't know the difference.

10. Enjoy these days. This experience might not measure up to mine or yours. I went to school in an actual building, with real hallways (shameful how they call those exposed sidewalks "hallways") and where we had recess. Recess! We ran and ran, and they gave us books, real books, and mom was waiting when the school bus dropped us off. Self-pitying and bored senseless, but there she was.

This, for better or worse (and trust me, it's not all bad), is the childhood your children will remember. So be a good consumer. Be a tough consumer. But find ways, big and small, to share it with them and enjoy these precious moments ... until they go off to middle school and you couldn't be bothered.

[Last modified July 28, 2006, 06:32:39]