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Thrill isn't gone for wimpy songs

By ERNEST HOOPER
Published August 2, 2006

I am a wuss.

I came to this realization after stumbling upon Blender magazine's list of the 111 wussiest songs of all time. I thought the list would allow me to make fun of such woeful ballads as Patrick Swayze's She's Like The Wind and Poison's Every Rose Has Its Thorn.

Instead, I made the sad discovery that the music magazine's list looks a lot like my record collection. While I can take pride in not owning Nick Lachey's What's Left Of Me geeze man, have a little pride and Britney Spears' I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet A Woman (what does that mean?), I figure anything more than 50 percent would make me a wuss.

Try 59 percent. Yes, I own 66 of the 111 songs, and 18 of the top 25.

My first inclination was to dig up excuses.

* I was drunk when I bought Muskrat Love.

* I have the Jackson 5's greatest hits for I Want You Back, not Ben.

* Do You Really Want To Hurt Me? How in the heck did this get in my CD collection?

After awhile, though, you can't escape the obvious. Facts are a stubborn thing, and the truth is not only do I have the Carpenters' Close To You, I have their greatest hits CD and their Christmas collection.

In the end, I didn't just deny my adoration for some of these sugary odes, I became indignant. So some people want to fill the world with Silly Love Songs? What's wrong with that?

First of all, any hip-hop fan will tell you there is nothing wussy about Tupac's Dear Mama and LL Cool J.'s I Need Love. Sure, it doesn't hit as hard as Mama Said Knock You Out, but every rapper needs some affection.

Blender even chewed up Puff Daddy's I'll Be Missing You, although real men will admit they got a little popcorn dust in their eyes when Sting appeared on stage with Puffy at the 1997 MTV Video Music Awards.

Some of the songs are too chocked with memories to abandon. My first couple skate was to Billy Joel's Just The Way You Are. My first slow dance was to the Bee Gees' How Deep Is Your Love.

Furthermore, how could they list Kiss' Beth as a wuss song? Just because they had long hair, pranced around in make up and wore high heels ... uhhh, never mind.

I'll also defend the following to the bitter end: the Stylistics' Break Up To Make Up, Dave Matthews Band's Crash, Styx's Babe, Minnie Ripperton's Lovin' You, Phil Collins' Against All Odds and Spandau Ballet's True, all of which appear on Blender's list at http://music.aol.com/feature/111-wussiest-songs-111-102.

I know, True is so sugary the surgeon general put a warning on it for diabetics. I can't help myself. Something inside makes me like those romantic ballads. I even swoon over songs I don't want to like.

Ask me about the Backstreet Boys' I Want It That Way, and I'll swear it's terrible. Of course, that doesn't stop me from listening to it every time it comes on the radio.

At the end of this painful assessment, my problem is not that I own 66 songs on the list. My problem is I easily could double the list with even more songs from my collection. Yes, the list included Dan Fogelberg's Longer, but not Same Old Lang Syne.

Who hasn't met their old lover in a grocery store?

I also would add these personal favorites to the list: the Doobie Brothers' What A Fool Believes, James Taylor's Whenever I See Your Smiling Face, Air Supply's Lost In Love, Little River Band's Reminiscing, Benny Mardones' Into The Night, the Linda Ronstadt/James Ingram duo Somewhere Out There and pretty much everything ever recorded by Ambrosia.

Of course, I can't leave off Danny's Song by Loggins & Messina: Even though we ain't got money, I'm still in love with you honey.

Not only is that a wuss song, it's a lie.

But I love it just the same.

Deep down, everybody at least has one or two wuss songs they adore. Trust me, somebody out there still is raving about Seasons In The Sun or Laughter In The Rain even though they blast heavy metal every day.

Friends say my adoration for wuss songs just means I'm sensitive and passionate. Amazingly, such sweet sentiments worked with girls - back in the '80s.

That's all I'm all saying.

Ernest Hooper can be reached at (813) 226-3406 or hooper@sptimes.com.

[Last modified August 2, 2006, 06:24:19]