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Grandparents struggle to hold on after divorce

By RACHEL POLLACK
Published August 29, 2006

I can hear them as they rush down the long hall to my apartment: My three grandchildren, ages 5, 7 and 10, are talking noisily, anticipating (I hope) a delicious Shabbat dinner and eager to tell me about what they have accomplished since I last saw them - their school projects, soccer and basketball games played, books they are reading. After dinner, we might play a game of checkers or Scrabble; perhaps my grandson will finally teach me how to play chess.

These children's father - my son - brings them now. Our time together is far less frequent than when he and his wife were married.

I am grateful for each time I see the children. The children's sleepovers followed by joyous Saturdays at a museum or ice skating or just walking to the library to check out books, followed by pizza and people-watching or exploring a nearby magic store - those days are rare for all of us.

Like an elephant in my living room, the divorce of my son and a greatly loved daughter-in-law sits silently watching us as we stumble around in our newly complicated and rearranged lives.

I've learned not to ask the children's mother if I can spend time with them on her custody weekends: The answer is always no.

On my son's weekends, when one of my grandchildren asks to spend the night, my answer is always, "Yes, but let's ask Dad first."

It rarely works out the way the children and I want it to. Sometimes there are three soccer games to be played in different places (my son coaches a team). Or one of the children has plans with a friend who lives far from me and it's too difficult for my son to return for the child who might sleep over.

It is well known that children are at risk when their parents divorce. At risk too, is my once harmonious relationship with my grandchildren. Unconditional time and love are all I have to give. I fear that time has been fractured.

Since my son's divorce, I haven't quite adapted or regained my equilibrium. I've told myself many times to be mature and sensible, in order to be able to help my son and most of all, my grandchildren. I know it will take strength to find perspective and time for me to try to help heal the broken hearts.

Not that I ever thought about such grief as I celebrated the garden wedding of my son and his bride. Nor when I held my first grandchild in my arms - and the second, and the third.

But when my son told me the sad news that he and his wife were separating, I cried. I wanted to tell him that all was not lost; their marriage wasn't over yet.

I offered babysitting: "I'll take care of the children while you both get away for the weekend, go out for dinner, spend time together."

I offered counseling. I begged them to try to keep their marriage of 12 years together. I made my home a refuge for my grandchildren and for my wounded son. I tried to be patient and understanding.

Yes, my son and daughter-in-law allowed me to keep my grandchildren a few times, but their problems didn't disappear. The adults merely continued to lead their separate lives in the same house. I could see how miserable they were.

And during the early stages of their separation, I felt as vulnerable, angry and hurt as my grandchildren did. I wept into my pillow at night but wore my usual face during the day. I told no one, not even my closest friends. It took me a long time to understand that I was powerless to control the situation.

One night at my house, my son sat, an open book in his hands, his eyes not seeing the words on the page. "Daddy is depressed," my 5-year-old granddaughter whispered in my ear.

Startled, I asked if she knew what the word meant. "Really, really, really sad," she announced in a stage whisper.

On a walk once with my 7-year-old grandson, he asked, "Did my daddy cry when you and grandpa got a divorce?"

I answered honestly. "Yes, he did. He didn't understand, even when I explained it many times."

My grandson said, "I'm sad too, Nana." And he cried as I held him. I cried, too.

Sometimes my grandchildren asked unanswerable questions. The youngest begged one day, "Why can't you make Mommy and Daddy love each other, Nana? You can do anything. Please, Nana," she begged.

I wish I could have given my grandchildren all the answers that would heal their broken hearts. For a time I believed I could control everything. I believed that my life with my grandchildren would not change because I would not allow it.

But as the lives of my grandchildren changed with the divorce, so did my life and dreams for them.

Each person's life is defined by images and dreams. Our sense of time and place is defined within our family. But sometimes, the world we wished for can change suddenly and with it, many dreams of the future are changed, irrevocably.

I have heard many sad stories from other, weeping, grandparents of divorce, people whose grown child or that person's ex-spouse will not allow them contact with their grandchildren.

I know one such grandmother, denied visits with her grandchildren by her former son-in-law, who is so angry that she has snipped his picture out of all family photographs.

Grandchildren are fortunate when there are grandparents in their lives. All children view their family as the center of their lives. Parents need to remember that grandparents are part of that intrinsic center. Grandparents do not divorce their grandchildren. Ever.

Rachel Pollack is a freelance writer living in Denver.

[Last modified August 28, 2006, 19:16:45]