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Guest Column

This whole Pluto disavowal is just a government conspiracy

By BRUCE MICHAUD
Published September 1, 2006

I found an empty toilet paper roll and coated the inside of the cardboard with aluminum foil. Checking to make sure no Men in Black were around, I jumped on the roof and looked into the handmade telescope.

Listen, folks, Pluto is still there!

What could our government be using Pluto for that they no longer want us to go there? I had just told the wife the other day, "Can't wait till we can go to Pluto!" and now it's gone? There is any number of reasons for the conspiracy, here are just a few:

* This now backs up why we put aside $1,930,495,765,967-million to study space.

* NASA is still upset Walt Disney got better use from the name Pluto than they ever did.

* The government is afraid if someone goes to Pluto and jumps out of the universe, they will be sued because I don't think they have a fence up there yet.

* The drunk who discovered Pluto in 1930 wasn't credible.

* Claiming Pluto isn't there gives Al Gore a campaign platform for the next election.

* Diplomats can laugh at the silly thought that Pluto ever existed during those otherwise boring dinners at the White House.

* When you get pulled over drunk and you tell the officer you're from Pluto, it will no longer be funny.

* The cost alone to remove Pluto from huge universe displays will create enough jobs to keep the economy going strong. I have one in my house that I will need help with.

* E-Bay will be full of unwanted Plutos for sale.

* It will be no longer odd to name your kid Pluto.

* You can really show your age if you claim you have been here longer than Pluto!

* First we're told Pluto doesn't exist, then we're told the Alaskan pipeline broke. We are on a huge new government-produced reality show in which they tell us stuff and we believe it! Gallagher and Crist will run for governor, they'll bring the Republican convention to Tampa for $64-million, it will all be on TV this fall!

Guest columnist Bruce Michaud lives in Odessa.

[Last modified August 31, 2006, 10:01:15]