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With a baby, there's little couple time

By BRIDGET HALL GRUMET
Published September 4, 2006

You meet that special someone. You crack up at each other's jokes, finish each other's sentences and buy into each other's dreams. You're so head-over-heels in love that you can't imagine living your lives apart. So you get married.

And then - after a career change, a promotion and a baby - you never see each other again.

These days my husband and I are living the staggered life. He teaches high school English in the mornings and early afternoons while I care for our nearly 11-month-old son, Toby. Then I work the evening shift at the Port Richey newsroom while Wayne holds down the fort.

We stretched our schedules so that, with the exception of a short stint each afternoon covered by our nanny, my husband and I are raising our son. And that part has been great: At least one of us gets to kiss each boo-boo and witness each milestone.

Still, dividing our time between jobs and Junior leaves precious little remainder for each other. I'm still asleep while Wayne's getting ready in the morning. He's ready for bed by the time I come home from work. On occasion, we go an entire day without seeing or speaking to each other.

I guess there's always e-mail.

Dinner table discussions have been replaced by notes on the kitchen fridge. And the weekends have become cram sessions, a mix of errands and chores, naps and days-old stories we've been meaning to share.

The experts talk about the importance of making time for your family, as if your loved ones are a monolithic block that you accommodate at once. The reality is each family member needs your time and attention in different ways. Toby is - rightfully - getting those things from my husband and me. Add in the competing interests of earning a living, stocking the pantry and mowing the lawn, however, and there's little time and attention left for each other.

I think we're doing the best we can. We do little things to help each other out: He takes care of the laundry during the week. I prepare our dinners in advance - even though we eat separately. And when the weekend comes, we make a point to do something together, even if it's just a walk through the neighborhood or a TV movie.

It's hard. But as we took stock of our new lives one recent night, when Wayne blew his bedtime just so we could chat, we realized we wouldn't change a thing.

We can see what our attention has meant to Toby: He is happy, curious, crafty. He is starting to spoon food into his mouth (and often all over the sides). He is crawling like crazy and pulling himself up to stand. And he engages in the funniest low-speed chases of our grumpy old dog, Gus.

He clicks his tongue when he's happy. He sucks the index and middle fingers on his left hand when he's tired. He does this goofy inhaled shriek when he's excited. He's developed these charming quirks, and because Wayne and I are there, we know what they mean.

In time, once Toby is old enough for school, we'll be able to align our schedules a little better. But for now, we'll just have to enjoy him -and each other - in shifts.

[Last modified September 4, 2006, 06:53:17]