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Widowhood, a whole new era

More than 126,000 women in the area know the challenges, minor and colossal, of losing a spouse.

By MARLON A. WALKER
Published September 17, 2006

ST. PETERSBURG - It took a while, but Carole McLeod eventually learned how to pump her own gas.

It had always been her husband's job. But after Alan McLeod died in 1999, she was left to face life alone, and all the tasks that come with it.

The first time didn't go so well. McLeod, 64, took her adult daughter to the pump with her for support. But when she reached for the hose, a loud voice that seemed to come from nowhere gave her a scare.

"I jumped back in the car and said I'd never do that again," said the St. Petersburg resident, chuckling about what she now calls a ridiculous incident involving the gas station's loudspeaker.

While McLeod's is one of the more extreme cases, she's far from alone.

According to recently released census figures, there are more than 126,000 widows living in the Tampa Bay area. With that number growing each year, a number of women are forced to step out of comfort zones to learn everyday activities like pumping gas, balancing the checkbook, watching the investments, even fixing leaky faucets.

* * *

Alan McLeod was diagnosed with esophageal cancer in 1995. As Carole attempted to picture life without her husband, Alan tried to prepare her.

"We did sit and talk a lot about things," she said. "But I was too caught up with trying to take care of him. Being in the funeral business, I thought I knew everything that came with the death part. I didn't know anything about the grief part."

One day shortly after he died, she went through their filing cabinet and read about investments, insurance policies and property deeds, trying to get things in order for his funeral. The realization that he was gone rushed forward.

"I had helped everybody (who came through the funeral home) with their paperwork and doing things, but when I went to do it for myself, it was complete disbelief," she said. "It was scary."

McLeod leaned on what she had been teaching new widows for years at Comfort Circle, a group she started as part of their funeral business.

The group aims to help families heal after the loss of a loved one, and with her own experience so fresh, McLeod was able to help herself by helping others.

Comfort Circle is one of several programs in the area that seek to help women cope with life after the death of a spouse.

Every two months, a group of women meet for six weeks to learn about working through grief, getting through anniversaries and other special days, and moving on.

* * *

It's the moving on that still sometimes feels overwhelming to Dolores Gutekunst.

A few months ago, she found herself in an aisle at a Home Depot trying to pick out a clothes rod for her closet. It was a simple task, she said.

Simple but frustrating.

"I didn't even know what type to pick out," said Gutekunst, 66, of St. Petersburg. "All through Home Depot I kept saying, 'You're so stupid. Why can't you pick out a rod?' "

Because 14 months ago, her husband, Kenneth, would have picked it out.

The couple planned to put their camper on the road to visit a daughter in Columbia, S.C., on July 29. Kenneth Gutekunst, 68, had a heart attack that day.

Since his death, she has clung to "friends, family and faith," she said.

She's slowly learning that those things will take a person only so far.

"Nothing could have prepared me for this," she said.

She's slowly venturing into "uncharted territory," moving furniture, working in the yard alone. She even scheduled a vacation for October.

And she finally picked out that clothes rod.

Times researcher Caryn Baird contributed to this report. Marlon A. Walker can be reached at (727) 893-8737 or at mwalker@sptimes.com.

[Last modified September 16, 2006, 20:21:48]