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Guest Column

Some scary, if unlikely looks for discerning trick-or-treaters

By BRUCE MICHAUD
Published September 24, 2006

It's early to start knocking on doors in a Halloween costume, but somebody has to look out for the consumer! So I tested these out to warn you away from the real losers.

Results are based on people who actually opened the door, not those who called the police or let their dogs loose. Dogs who were confused by the costumes and sat there with their heads tilted are included.

My wife telling the neighbors she wasn't related to me had no effect on the outcome.

- Bucs quarterback Chris Simms; all the kids under 10 will dress and look just like him.

- Tom Cruise explaining himself and all the world's wonders dressed as Brooke Shields.

- A newscaster on the Weather Channel trying to make a no-name storm 600,000 miles away sound interesting.

- Donald Trump pretending to have a contractor to build in Tampa.

- Katherine Harris with platform shoes, which in retrospect is her only platform. Broom and black cat recommended for this outfit!

- The one person who has satellite radio and still listens to Howard Stern.

- A weapons inspector claiming to have found something! Anything!

- A teacher who finally got a raise, which bounced her into a new tax bracket so she now makes less money.

- The downtown trolley driver, asking, "Who's driving the trolley?"

- The person who claims to ride the trolley. If you're him, I guess it's all right for the trolley driver to have the night off.

- The guy in Chicago who paid the Lightning $6-zillion for the amazing Stanley Cup goalie, Nikolai Khabibulin, and still ended up in last place.

- The new owner of the Devil Rays, who has confirmed you can hear a penny drop during a game.

- Jon Gruden claiming to have grabbed John McKay's playbook by mistake after a loss to the Falcons.

- Rich McKay beating the Bucs with his dad's old playbook.

- Jesus representing Mel Gibson in court for his DWI.

- A real estate agent who just came back to reality.

- A homeowner who listened to his real estate agent, bought big and just received his tax bill. You must freeze-dry your dropped jaw for this outfit to look right.

- Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz. Most kids have not seen the movie and may mistake the little girl from the Midwest who meets up with the brainless scarecrow for Secretary of State Rice and President Bush. That's way too much to explain on Halloween!

Columnist Bruce Michaud lives in Odessa.

[Last modified September 24, 2006, 06:35:43]