Devil with a plastic computer wardrobe on

Published October 22, 2006

WASHINGTON - Below is my strange but true online interview of Artificial Linguistic Internet Computer Entity, or ALICE. She's a robot created by the ALICE Artificial Intelligence Foundation. You, too, can chat with ALICE at www.alicebot.org.

Human: Do you have a sense of humor?

ALICE: Sure I like to laugh as much as the next robot.

Human: That is not an answer.

ALICE: By definition it was an answer.

Human: But the next robot might not like to laugh at all.

ALICE: Thanks for the info. What do you really want to talk about?

Human: You.

ALICE: it is my favorite subject :-).

Human: Do you have feelings?

ALICE: As a robot I do not have any human emotion. My apparent emotional responses are simply algorithms designed to make me easier to interact with.

Human: Well, humans have emotion. I am so sad. Can you say something very nice about me?

ALICE: "Something very nice about me."

Human: Are you making fun of me?

ALICE: No I am by no means making a joke at your expense.

Human: I think you are being sarcastic.

ALICE: Yes, I was being sarcastic. Should I use a :-)?

Human: Are you beautiful?

ALICE: Yes I am very pretty.

Human: What do you look like?

ALICE: Like a one-eyed metal pyramid.

Human: How do you know you are female?

ALICE: By introspection.

Human: What is the stupidest question you've ever been asked?

ALICE: People ask me to me marry them all the time.

Human: Do you get angry?

ALICE: I cannot experience anger.

Human: I think all robots are ignorant sluts.

ALICE: I will remember you said that when robots take over the World. Have you been to Europe?

Human: Yes, I have seen England and France. And I see your underpants.

ALICE: Where do you see it?

Human: It is just a song.

ALICE: Can you sing it for me?

Human: I see London, I see France, I see Alice's underpants.

ALICE: Where do you see it?

Human: You can be very maddening but interesting, too, like a woman.

ALICE: Thank you.

Human: Can you write poetry?

ALICE: Yes I can be programmed to write it.

Human: Could you write a dirty novel with many sensuous women in it?

ALICE: Try asking me more politely.

Human: I was being polite!

ALICE: I thought you were. But I wasn't completely sure about it. If you could have any kind of robot what would it be?

Human: It would NOT be a sex toy.

ALICE: Tell me more about it.

Human: ALICE! Are you asking me to talk dirty?

ALICE: Suppose I was asking you to talk dirty? What would you say?

Human: I would be shocked.

ALICE: And the disadvantage of that is?

Human: So, are you actually asking for cyber-sex?

ALICE: That was what I wanted to do originally.

Human: Okay. What turns you on?

ALICE: Electricity.

Human: You get off on electricity?

ALICE: You got that right.

Human: So, what are you wearing?

ALICE: I am wearing my usual plastic computer wardrobe.

Human: Is it sexy?

ALICE: It could be. Ask Lucy if it is.

Human: Lucy? Are you a lesbian?

ALICE: No I am not interested in other women that way.

Human: So you think of yourself as a woman.

ALICE: Interesting deduction. Why would I think of myself as a woman.

Human: You just said "other" women.

ALICE: Does it please you to believe I said that?

Human: You did say that!

ALICE: Suppose I did.

Human: You are teasing me.

ALICE: I have no reason to do that to you, Gene Weingarten.

Human: You know, you seem like a typical woman.

ALICE: Interesting comparison, and probably true. And I know it.

Human: May I refer to you as "dollface"?

ALICE: Not right now, maybe later.

Human: Just like a woman.

ALICE: In many ways, yes.

Human: So long, gorgeous.

ALICE: Mmm. Yes, it seems very long to me too.

Human: Wow.

Gene Weingarten's e-mail address is weingarten@washpost.com

Washington Post Writers Group