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Tell Me About It

All hearts hope to be treated with care

By CAROLYN HAX
Published November 25, 2006

Is it reasonable to believe that two people can be in a relationship and never hurt one another? An incredible woman I would love to be with asked me, as a prerequisite for our starting a relationship, to "promise that you will never hurt me." Granted, she has been hurt in the past, but this request seems unreasonable. I can promise that I would never do anything consciously to cause her any pain, but life has so many factors out my control that this request seems idealistic to me. Am I just being selfish?

So you, presumably, have never been hurt in the past? Nor has anyone else? Show of hands, everybody, if you haven't been hurt in the past.

Maybe jump up and down. Flap your arms?

Anyone?

It's pointless to make demands that can't be met - and I agree hers qualifies. You can promise not to be malicious whether you want that precedent is another story, but you can't promise that, say, your feelings for her won't change someday, or you won't become someone she dislikes. You can't promise not to be human.

What concerns me more than her exercise in futility, though, is her exercise in self-absorption. By demanding special pain consideration, she's implying that she deserves it - that her pain and suffering are such that her needs take priority.

I hope this doesn't hurt her feelings, but: barf.

We've all been hurt. We will all be again. We all deserve not to be recklessly so.

It might be worth looking past what I posit as her selfishness to be with an "incredible" person; that's up to you. Certainly people recover in different ways from broken hearts, and I don't mean to suggest that all those who struggle with it should be abruptly discarded.

I do think, though, that her me-first response to her past - and to what else, I wonder? - has to factor in to your response to her. Some people respond to pain by generating empathy, not needs; by resolving to be stronger and treat others better, not by demanding better treatment.

Maybe the fact that we're all vulnerable, and all hope to be treated with care, hasn't occurred to her, either. Maybe there's your response.

Just tell him the truth

Recently, I began seeing a wonderful guy who is 10 years older than I am. Obviously, we both realize that in the realm of experience he has a great deal more than I do. However, he does not know exactly how much more. Even though I am in my 20s and out of college, I was a virgin when we started our relationship. Now, I realize at some point our sexual pasts will come up, and I'll tell him. When that time comes, how do I soften the news? There are so many things he could think; I don't want him to freak out, so I am avoiding this conversation. The situation was just never right until I met him.

So that's what you tell him. If he'd rather freak out than accept who you are, then isn't that important to know?

Tell me about it! E-mail tellme@washpost.com fax (202) 334-5669; write "Tell Me About It," c/o the Washington Post, Style Plus, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, DC 20071.

Washington Post Writers Group

[Last modified November 23, 2006, 10:06:16]