Gimme 5

Published December 11, 2006

Five topics suitable for inane debate on talk radio.

1. I WANT TO TALK TO YOUR SUPERVISOR: We have heard from the players. We have heard from the coaches. Now, it's time to hear from the owners. The Glazers may be a private family, but they run a visible business in a publicly owned stadium. They have a responsibility to answer for the rotten product they are selling. They have an obligation to address the future of the franchise, and that includes the head coach.

2. SOBERING THOUGHT: New drinking game. Everyone in the room has to down a tequila shot whenever the Bucs score a touchdown. Considering Tampa Bay has gone 32 consecutive possessions without finding the end zone, this may be the only drinking game in America with the seal of approval from Alcoholics Anonymous.

3. ABLE TO EVADE A SPEEDING FULLBACK: Perhaps if this free safety gig doesn't work out, Will Allen has a future in dodgeball.

4. YEAH, WHATEVER: Before declaring a quarterback controversy, ask yourself one question: Is it really a controversy if you're arguing about which quarterback is less crappy?

5. A TRIBUTE TO THE DREGS OF YESTERYEAR: The Bucs did a first-class job with their inaugural alumni weekend. Former players got a tour of the new training facility, then had a golf outing followed by a banquet Saturday night. The capper, of course, was Sunday afternoon's picture-perfect rendition of the 1977 offense.

A list of five

Five questions on the job application for Bucs QB.

5. Will you accept cool Manchester United apparel in lieu of salary?

4. Are you one of those quarterbacks who complains about internal bleeding?

3. Do you have any scapegoat experience?

2. Are you willing to keep the ball away from Mike Alstott?

1. Can you throw a ball 15 yards?

Five problems with the offense

1. Defenses are daring the Bucs to go deep, and Bruce Gradkowski won't pull the trigger. Of 24 passes, only two were thrown more than 10 yards downfield.

2. Ronde Barber hasn't scored in weeks. Okay, technically he's a cornerback, but he's still second on the team in touchdowns.

3. Granted he has not had much help from his offensive line, but Cadillac Williams is not breaking many long runs. In the past three weeks, Cadillac has two carries of 10 yards or more. So does Earnest Graham.

4. Weapons, weapons, weapons. LaDainian Tomlinson has 29 touchdowns in San Diego. The entire Bucs offense has 14.

5. In their past nine trips inside the opponent's 20, the Bucs have had as many interceptions (two) as touchdowns.

Five super picks

Checking out the best bets for Super Bowl XLI in Miami.

1. RAVENS: Steve McNair ain't bad for an old coot.

2. CHARGERS: Only Marty Schottenheimer can stop Tomlinson.

3. COLTS: Booger McFarland was not the answer for their run defense.

4. BEARS: I suppose somebody from the NFC has to go.

30. BUCS: No more complaining about the tough schedule. Bucs go winless in the division for the first time in 29 years.

Final five words

Drats! Eliminated from the playoffs.