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A pack of lies, or progress of a sort?

By WASHINGTON POST
Published December 14, 2006

Q: My parents were strict, religious people. I came out to them 35 years ago. Upon learning I am gay, they told me to go to the mental hospital being gay was still considered a mental illness then or leave their home. I left as soon as I could. Over the years, we have gradually made what I thought was a good relationship. I have been in a stable relationship for 16 years, and I thought they were happy for me.

Recently I spent the day with them. We had a good time until I asked a question about their church. I was then attacked by them both for my "lifestyle," choice of religion and my life in general. I can only see from this that we have made no progress in the past 35 years, and I wonder if I should even bother trying to have a relationship with them. They obviously have no respect for me, and they hurt me deeply. I feel they have been masking their true feelings, and their duplicity is what bothers me the most. Suggestions?

A: You have made progress in the past 35 years. They're not trying to hospitalize you, they're just attacking your "lifestyle." Meaning, they're still homophobes, but they've updated their homophobia to reflect the times.

This is so insane, parsing the nuances of hatred, that it sounds like I'm being facetious - or worse, an apologist - but I'm not. While it's a strange point to make, it's an important one.

You thought your relationship with your parents had grown into one of mutual respect, and it sounds as if you did indeed think wrong, either through your naivete or their deceit or both. Regardless, it's devastating news for you and a monstrous reflection on them.

As you decide what's next - in other words, whether to give up on your parents - I think you'll open yourself up to fewer lurking regrets if you address all the complexities directly and resist the temptation to black-and-white Mom and Dad out of your life.

Based on an interpretation of zero progress, you have only deceit, and therefore no relationship. Based on an interpretation of some progress, you have a relationship with them - one based, if nothing else, on mutual desire for parents and child not to go through life estranged. You looked past their hatred once. There was something in it for you. And their inadequate effort may have been, to them, huge.

The net result is that classic intimacy-killer, agreeing to disagree - with the weight of family and of heartfelt intentions behind it. Though either may no longer be enough for you, your history says they have been important to you and to your parents. And so, even if they're ultimately rejected now, they deserve to be thoughtfully so.

Tell me about it! E-mail tellme@washpost.com fax (202) 334-5669; write "Tell Me About It," c/o the Washington Post, Style Plus, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071.

[Last modified December 13, 2006, 20:19:05]