Hey guys, keep your day job

Early edition: For many athletes, it’s the injuries that happen off the job that leave coaches and fans shaking their heads.

By GARY SHELTON
Published December 14, 2006

A little advice here for Jimmie Johnson.

When you are on top of the world, it is sometimes advisable to use a seat belt.

When you are on top of a golf cart, well, same thing.

And here’s to J.J., the latest entry into sports’ Knucklehead Hall of Fame. From now on, no one should ever say hello to Johnson. They should just yell, “Fore!’’

For those of you who wonder why the guy next to you is laughing, it is probably because of Johnson, the first NASCAR driver ever to swap a little paint at a golf course.

Johnson was playing in a celebrity tournament at  Black Diamond  in Lecanto when he broke his left wrist because — and there is no way to say this without tears rolling down one’s cheek — he fell off the roof of his golf cart. Of course he did.

At this point, of course, the world is obliged to point and laugh at the thought of a NASCAR driver playing the role of a hood ornament.

 And, yeah, sometimes it gets mean. Still, I would remind everyone that there are several possible reasons why Johnson was on top of his cart .

One: He was stringing Christmas lights.

Two: He had just hit the world’s worst golf shot, and he didn’t want to take a drop.

Three: He was adjusting the TV antenna  because My Name Is Earl was coming in a little fuzzy.

Four: He was trying to get Keith Richards out of a coconut tree.

Five: When it comes to Amstel Lights, Johnson was way, way over par.

When I heard  Johnson had fallen off the top of the cart, I had two reactions. First: At what point in the round did surfing on the roof sound like a good idea? And second: Who was driving? Tony Stewart?

Think about it. You are playing golf with the Nextel Cup champion, and someone else is a better choice to drive the cart? Someone should have insisted that Johnson drive and we put, say, Terrell Owens on the roof.

Ah, but as a guy who has had a tough day or two on the course himself, I feel kind of bad for Johnson. I tried to reach him this week to tell him so, but NASCAR officials say he has flown to France. On the inside of the plane, presumably.

Ah, buck up, Jimmie. Think of it this way: From now on, you’re going to be the favorite driver of every roofer in the state. Things aren’t so bad.

Admittedly, getting thrown by a cart is a little dumber than, say, the time St. Louis Cardinals outfielder Vince Coleman was eaten by a tarp, which knocked him out of the 1985 World Series.

But, no, it isn’t as dumb as the time Cale Yarborough, another NASCAR driver, tried to fly his plane home with a new pet bear as cargo.

As Yarborough told the story, he was halfway into the flight when he noticed the bear working its way free from its ropes. He landed minutes before the bear would have gotten loose. Hence Yarborough’s bumper sticker: Gentle Ben is My Co-Pilot.

It’s dumber than the time Atlanta Braves pitcher John Smoltz missed a start because he burned himself while ironing his shirt. Smoltz was wearing the shirt at the time.

But, no, it isn’t as dumb as the time a baseball player named Clarence Blethen took out his false teeth to run the bases because it made him look meaner. The problem was that when Blethen stole second, he ended up biting himself in the butt.

It’s (barely) dumber than baseball player Marty Cordova burning himself by  falling asleep under a tanning lamp.

But, no, it isn’t as dumb as Jacksonville punter  Chris Hanson, who once listened as coach Jack Del Rio talked about how his team had to continue to chop wood. Del Rio brought a stump and an ax  as props, and after practice one day, Hanson decided to take a swing. He gashed his own leg and was out for the year.

It’s dumber than former Cowboys running back Tony Dorsett, who once dropped a mirror on his toe and missed a game.

But, no, it isn’t as dumb as the Bucs trainer who was tending to one of Alvin Harper’s bad hands when he snipped the fingertip off.

 It’s dumber than Steve Sparks, the former major-league pitcher who once dislocated his shoulder trying to rip a phone book in half.

But, no, it isn’t as dumb as English soccer player Darren Barnard, who once slipped in his dog’s piddle and ripped up a knee.

There are so many stories. Placekicker Bill Gramatica ripped up a knee as he cavorted around the field celebrating a field goal. Outfielder Rickey Henderson once suffered frostbite when he went to sleep with an icebag on his ankle.

Goalie Glenn  Healy once cut his hand cleaning bagpipes. Former major-league manager Roger Craig cut his hand on a bra strap. Ex-quarterback  Gus Frerotte hurt himself head-butting a wall to celebrate a touchdown. Ex-pitcher

Pascual Perez got lost on his way to the stadium … for a home game.

So you did something dumb. So you fell off a golf cart. So you missed a perfectly good chance to land on Jeff Gordon as you did it.

Relax. Enjoy it. You are part of lore.

That, or you can tell everyone that as part of your sponsorship deal with Lowe’s, you were just scouting out lumber.

[Last modified December 14, 2006, 21:30:48]