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Holidays can deepen melancholy of loss

Most grieving people suffer silently, a help line director says, but there are other ways to cope.

By ERNEST HOOPER
Published December 15, 2006

The Marchetti family typically stirs up holiday cheer with festive decorations, climbing ladders to string lights on their Valrico home.

This year, there are no decorations.

Instead of celebrating here, Laura and Vincent Marchetti, and their son, Andrew, will join relatives in New England. Christmas still holds great meaning, but as Laura says, "This is definitely a different year for us."

It will be their first season without 16-year-old daughter Katie, who died in a March crash on Interstate 75.

"It was her favorite time of the year," Laura Marchetti said. "She loved the camaraderie of everyone coming together. For us, she was the heartbeat behind the whole holiday. It's a whole different walk this year."

A number of area families are making that walk for the first time, and many of them are coping with the loss of teenagers. On Dec. 4, Brandon High School freshman Camden White was struck and killed by a car in front of the school. In October, five people were killed on area roads; four of them were children.

Mental health experts say the challenge of dealing with memories of a lost loved one becomes more difficult during the holidays, and it's likely even more difficult for parents who have lost a child.

For Sheryle Baker, a mental health counselor and executive director of the Life Center of Tampa Bay, it's one of its busiest times of the year.

"I think there is a tendency for people to postpone some of their grieving, or shelve it because other priorities take over," Baker said.

"The holiday flavor or attitude is in every single store. I think that's a cold reminder and a shock to those whose bereavement is recent or to those who have been dealing with it long term. The holidays turn up the intensity."

That intensity is complicated when those who are grieving feel guilty about being sad amid all the holiday cheer, and friends are guarded in discussing the loss during holidays.

"Everyone suffers silently," said Debra Harris, director of the Crisis Center of Tampa Bay's 211 help line. "People are left alone in their grief and wondering if they're the only ones grieving."

That resonated with Laura Marchetti, who said she has learned not to hide her emotions.

"I'm a very verbal person and I allow my feelings to be shown," she said. "People have to accept me for who I am. I was very passionate about Katie for 16 1/2 years and you can't stuff that.

"I try to have good days, but I have bad days, too. I think positive breeds positive, but I don't want to kid anybody. I don't walk this perfect line."

Marchetti has a strong support system within her family, and counselors suggest that finding support is a key element in dealing with the grief. Baker cautioned that you shouldn't tell the bereaved how they should feel.

"You say to the person, 'I know this is the first Christmas without your loved one, and I don't understand what you're going through, but what I can offer is my presence. I can offer to listen in the way that you share stories about the person's life.' "

For those grieving who aren't comfortable talking with family members, the crisis center suggest calling 211 and speaking to a counselor. Help is also available at www.211atyourfinger tips.org.

The Life Center also has support groups and offers counseling. For more information, call 813 237-3114 or go to www.lifecenteroftampa.org.

One suggestion from the experts: Donate to charity in the name of a lost loved one. Laura Marchetti has gone a step further, starting the Katie Marchetti Memorial Foundation, a nonprofit group that raises awareness about seat belt usage. Its Web site is www.katiesstory.com. She's convinced that Katie would have lived if she had worn a seat belt.

The family hopes to persuade state lawmakers to pass a primary law allowing police to stop unbuckled motorists. Laura Marchetti has spoken to groups, lobbied legislators and met with School Board members but is taking December off.

"I'm going holiday shopping with a friend because I can't do it by myself. It's hard," she said.

Ernest Hooper can be reached at 226-3406 or hooper@sptimes.com.

Source: Debra Harris, Crisis Center of Tampa Bay

. Fast facts

Tips for coping with the holiday season if you've lost a loved one:

- Make an appointment with a licensed counselor to talk about how you are feeling. Dial 211 if you need a referral.

- Contribute to a charity in honor of your loved one.

- Burn a special candle in your home to recognize your loved one.

- Create a memory book with photos and mementos of the person.

- Buy a holiday gift for your loved one and donate it to a nursing home or charity.

- Write a note to the person you lost, place it on a balloon and let it go.

[Last modified December 14, 2006, 07:29:14]