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Sequels we'd pay to watch

Gene Hackman, of course, marries Barbara Hershey.

By TOM JONES
Published December 19, 2006

Hoosiers

Gene Hackman, of course, marries Barbara Hershey. But, soon, problems in the relationship lead to Coach Dale reaching for the bottle. But he's pulled out by none other than ... Shooter! Dale sobers up in time to save his marriage and lead little Hickory to another state title.

Field of Dreams

People do come, but not enough. The bank threatens to foreclose on the Kinsella farm and Ray is forced to start selling some of his corn instead of letting dead Hall of Famers live in it. That means Ray doesn't attract the same level of ballplayer as before. Instead of Joe Jackson and Buck Weaver, he gets Andy Etchebarren and Mario Mendoza - and those guys aren't even dead. Eventually, Ray builds a stage on the field where John Cougar Mellencamp and Willie Nelson raise enough money during a charity concert to allow Ray to go back to growing the corn.

Rudy

Little Rudy goes back to the steel mill, but takes a part-time job at night as an exotic dancer while he pursues his next dream: to dance for the Pittsburgh Conservatory of Dance Repertory. With the help of Notre Dame coach Dan Devine and a guy named Nick (played by Michael Nouri), Rudy nails his audition and becomes the first dancer since 1975 to be carried off the stage.

Bull Durham

Nuke plays a year in the majors, but eventually quits baseball to marry Annie Savoy and the two go off annoying everyone with their political causes. Meantime, Crash Davis, crushed over losing Annie, becomes homeless and lives on the grassy knoll in Dealey Plaza, where he wanders around muttering all day about the Kennedy assassination. Directed by Oliver Stone, of course.

All the Right Moves

Stef moves out to California to play football for Nickerson, but meets a girl named Joey Potter, who is coming off two hard relationships with boys named Pacey and Dawson. Stef falls in love with her, goes completely nutso and is never heard from again.

The Natural

You know, in the original story, Roy Hobbs takes the bribe and throws the game. But in the movie, of course, he hits the big homer. So in the sequel, Hobbs returns to the farm to live out his retired days with Glenn Close. But he ends up having an affair with Anne Archer, who turns out to be ... actually, pretty normal and prettier than Close in the first place. He and Anne live happily ever after and Hobbs goes on to start the Sundance Film Festival.

Slap Shot

(Yeah, we know there was a sequel, but it stunk so bad that we are rewriting it.) In this one, the Charlestown Chiefs are, indeed, sold to a "certain Florida retirement community." But there are high jinks immediately - no one has ever seen the foreign owner, the team loses the Hanson Brothers because of a blurred fax and a girl ends up playing in goal. Oh, the hilarity. Of course, only in fiction could you have such a story.

White Men Can't Jump

Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson return as Sidney Deane and Billy Hoyle, continuing to hustle basketball players across the country and eventually settling in Florida. But the scam is shut down when it turns out Sidney doesn't pay taxes on all his winnings. Rosie Perez gives an Oscar-worthy performance because she wears lots of skimpy clothes, but doesn't have even one line in the movie.

Million Dollar Baby

Maggie is still alive! And she recovers completely. And she returns to the ring, where she starts fighting men. She beats Clubber Lang. She beats a one-armed Jeff Lacy. She beats Winky Wright. She even beats 44-year-old Evander Holyfield. But then she fights George Foreman - and, unfortunately, this time she is killed.

BY TOM JONES Times Staff Writer

Rocky Balboa comes out this week. It's the sixth installment in the Rocky series, which is about 2 1/2 too many. (We halfway liked Rocky IV.) Did you ever notice how many bad sports sequels there are? Slap Shot II. Caddyshack II, All those Bad News Bears and Mighty Ducks movies. We don't need to see Rocky fight again. We need to know whatever happened to Roy Hobbs, Rudy and Crash Davis. So here are sports sequels we wish to see. And what happens in them.

Rocky gets A-

Times critic Steve Persall says the movie is a knockout. Floridian, 1E

[Last modified December 18, 2006, 22:58:23]