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Expectations can be costly

By Washington Post
Published December 21, 2006

Q: A guy I dated for six weeks broke up with me because he claimed I took advantage of him by allowing him to pick up the tab for four dinners out. To quote his breakup e-mail, "I even went to the bathroom when the check came to give you a chance. But when I got back to the table and saw the check was still there . . . my heart sank and I got a cold sweat." What has this world come to? A grown man is in a cold sweat over a $50 dinner bill? He never once asked me to help with a check. However, I brought him flowers, food, etc., when I came to his apartment. I prepared him a lovely home-cooked meal. I bought him presents from a recent trip. This did not "count" in his eyes. I believe in paying my way in this world but I also believe a real man enjoys treating a woman - because he can, it's a way of taking care of his date, and because it's part of the early dating stages. Am I too old-fashioned? Is it "Dutch" all the way these days?

A: "Breakup e-mail" plus "a real man enjoys . . ." equals shock that you lasted six weeks.

Which is too bad. Had you both discussed your views instead of just entrenching them, it would have been an interesting conversation. You actually do have a point: He didn't respect that you were generous to him in other ways?

And, he actually does have a point: You've been going out for a while, and you let a check just sit there?

Like the rest of us, this subject isn't flattered by the harsh light of absolutes. Expecting your date to pay exactly half is ugly. Expecting your date to pay exactly everything is ugly. Expecting is ugly.

Of course, testing your date with a contrived trip to the men's room is the kind of ugly that makes people stare, but this is bigger than one guy. It's really about how we like our equality.

It seems reasonable to hope that not all civility of the ladies-and-gentlemen variety succumbs to political correctness. However, if you want to be counted as an equal (some women still don't, as is their prerogative), then those traditions will have to be of the we-are-different style, not the we-are-weaker substance.

Meaning, you can't expect men to hew to "tradition" that charges them for the care and feeding of the delicate sex. At least, not with a straight face, and not without decent guys calling you on it - though I hope with a little more decency - and not without attracting every misogynist within a 100-mile radius.

Shorter answer: Enjoy treating a man occasionally, or hold out for "a real man (who) enjoys treating a woman" (sorry, can't type it without the quotation marks). Either way, this guy was not, and would never be, your guy.

Even shorter answer, courtesy of etiquette, which not only sidesteps sexual mores but also, mercifully, saves great dates from the buzz kill of itemized checks: Whoever invites pays.

Tell me about it! Write "Tell Me About It," c/o the Washington Post, Style Plus, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071.

[Last modified December 20, 2006, 20:32:58]