For latest in coaches, the Bucs shop here

Looking for an NFL head coach? Here's where you should look.

By GARY SHELTON
Published December 22, 2006

This time of year, the store is always crowded. Shoppers jam the aisles, using their carts as weapons as they go. Salesmen hurry past before you can ask them a question.

Yep, here at Coaches R Us, the merchandise just flies off of the shelves.

Come on in. Look around. Browse.

If you are shopping for an NFL coach, this is the place for you.

What's that you say? You're from Tampa Bay? Ah, so you haven't decided if you're going to upgrade yet. I understand. What's that they say in the desert? Never eat your camel until you find something else to ride?

Things are getting loud around the Bucs, aren't they? Everyone is wondering if it is Jon Gruden who got the team into this mess, and those who aren't are wondering if Gruden is the guy who can get it out.

Still, reasonable people don't replace someone without at least thinking of a replacement, do they? Ask Brad Pitt.

Unfair? Who says it is unfair? Quarterbacks are drafted all the time, and no one worries about the feelings of the guy currently holding that job. In the NFL, everyone's a professional. That's why we will be opening a new store, General Managers R Us, after the first of the year.

Besides, let's face it. The Bucs did a little shopping before they bought last time. Didn't they?

So look around. Over there, you can see the stockboys are trying to lift the new Charlie Weiss model onto the shelves. Now, Charlie keeps saying he isn't on the market, but that doesn't stop the owners from looking. I swear, isn't that someone from the Giants thumping Charlie's head as if it were a ripe melon?

Over there, that's the Bobby Petrino model. It surprises me, too, but some owners do like him. Al Davis has put him in the cart twice without buying. You know Al. He likes a coach who hasn't heard his stories.

Wait. Is that Al? No, sorry. That's Mal Moore, that AD from the University of Alabama. Old Mal thinks the Tide is in the NFL and he's here shopping for a Nick Saban. Maybe a Gruden, if you believe rumors.

So what are you in the market for? You want a college guy? You want a pro coordinator? If you want a second-time-around guy, I can make you a great deal on a Mike Martz. See him over there with his nose pressed up against the glass? Isn't he cute?

You know who's hot this year? Ken Whisenhunt, the Steelers' offensive coordinator. A lot of owners want a price check on the Whiz Kid, let me tell you. Of course, the Steelers may just promote him - or line coach Russ Grimm - if Bill Cowher shuts it down. Can you believe it? We're already getting inquiries about Cowher for next year.

Another hot name this off-season is going to be Ron Rivera, the Bears' defensive coordinator. Solid guy. Smart. No, Brian Urlacher is not included.

How about Cam Cameron, the San Diego offensive coordinator? The guy worked wonders with Philip Rivers this year. Along with assistant coordinator LaDainian Tomlinson.

Of course, if you're talking about coordinators, you've got to think about Monte Kiffin. Right?

What's that? You're not that wild about coordinators? I understand. Sometimes they're Bill Belichick, and sometimes they're Ray Handley.

How about a college guy? Everyone always asks when Pete Carroll is going to get tired of winning all the time. There is Petrino. There is Jeff Tedford at Cal. Kirk Ferentz at Iowa. Now and then, you hear someone mention Ohio State's Jim Tressel.

What's that? Yes, I remember Steve Spurrier, too.

You're a brand-name shopper, aren't you? You like the familiar names. You want someone who has run a game before.

How about Sam Wyche?

Wait, don't leave. I was joking. There is Steve Mariucci. You almost hired him once. There is Martz. We have the no-more-tears version of Dick Vermeil. I think we even have Mike Ditka in storage.

Why not take your time and see what falls out of the tree? Some good coaches get fired every year. Some bad ones, too.

Denny Green might be out there. Maybe Tom Coughlin. Maybe Jim Mora. Tell you the truth, I wouldn't trade Gruden for any of those guys, though.

Have you considered shopping at our sister store, General Managers R Us? You could hire away Scott Pioli from the Patriots. Tom Heckert Jr. from the Eagles. Kevin Colbert from the Steelers. Let them hire a coach.

Ah, I know what you want. I know what guys in Tampa Bay always want. You want Bill Parcells, don't you?

After all, no Tampa Bay coaching search would be complete without Parcells. Every time a coach stubs his toe down there, you guys start yelling for the Tuna. One year, he's leaving Hugh Culverhouse at the altar, another he's leaving a signed contract somewhere in Joel Glazer's desk.

The bad news is Parcells has a job. For now. Two more tantrums by Terrell Owens, though, and you might want to check back. Maybe by Wednesday.

That's what the smart shopper does. He lets the season play out. He considers all options.

Who knows? Maybe Tony Dungy loses again in the playoffs and Indianapolis makes him available. Maybe the Colts find themselves looking for someone to get them over the hump.

Just asking: Anyone interested in a Dungy-for-Gruden swap?

Gary Shelton can be reached at (727) 893-8805.

[Last modified December 22, 2006, 01:14:20]