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Tree trimming should come with government warning

By C.T. BOWEN
Published December 24, 2006

The younger child in our household recently invited the next-door neighbor over to spend the night. The planned agenda included microwave popcorn, DVDs, video games and, most likely, little sleep.

The friend, however, politely declined. His family was spending that Saturday evening decorating the Christmas tree.

You can't second-guess that obligation. Trimming the tree together is a typical holiday tradition. It brings teamwork and joy to the family unit.

Except at our house.

For some reason, for which there does not seem to be a clear- cut explanation, decorating the Christmas tree has become a near solo act.

Fetching the artificial tree from the attic above the garage, assembling it and adding the lights are duties that fall to yours truly. The rest of the family members boast that they want to help add the ornaments, then disappear when the work has to be done.

No wonder we start in early December. Some years it takes several evenings to get the thing up and decorated. My father has told me that during his youth the family never decorated its tree until Christmas Eve. We gave up on that idea after trying it (before we had children) with poor results.

Notably, I attempted to give the live tree a final touchup pruning to ensure its perfect shape. I grabbed the cutting shears, pulled back the light cord and took aim at the offending pine branch. Off it came, along with a significant slice of my finger. Lots of blood and un-Christmas-like language followed.

I declined my wife's suggestion of an emergency room trip for a stitch or two. We just bandaged it heavily and continued with the evening's plan to attend Mass, throughout which I sat with a bloody and gauze-covered middle finger of my left hand extended upward.

The L-shaped scar remains today, a reminder of why it is we have an artificial tree. Or fake if you follow the vernacular used by Christmas tree growers. Their trade association's Web site delights in pointing out with glee the first artificial trees in the United States came from a company that produced toilet bowl brushes. The other not-so-subliminal messages include Chinese import, lead poisoning threat and quarantined for bugs. Not to be outdone, the tree huggers boast that artificial trees are environmentally friendly since they don't require the destruction of a living tree for a few days of enjoyment.

So we don't have an 18 1/2-foot tall Douglas-fir tree like the White House. Our tree is a serviceable 7-footer. It seems to matter little. The offspring at our house are ambivalent - to the tree's origin, relationship to plumping supplies, or the effort it takes to decorate.

This year, however, the 9-year-old appeared eager to participate. But you can forget that notion of family unity.

He looked at each handmade ornament, reminders of past holidays and the classroom handiwork of him and his older brother: Popsicle-stick reindeer, ceramic Christmas trees and bells, pipe-cleaner angels. He flipped each over in his hand. I thought it was an inspection. Turns out he was scanning for identification. The ones he assembled were rewarded with a prominent place on the tree facing the living room.

His brother's ornaments? They all hung at the rear of the tree.

The most anticipated moment is affixing the angel at the tree's top. I grabbed junior and lifted him up so he could have the honor.

Whack!

Dad had raised him skyward - right into the ceiling fan blade. Fortunately, it was turned off, but it didn't lessen the momentary smarting of junior's noggin and Dad's intellect. He ignored the apology, squirmed from my arms and took off running.

No wonder this is a solitary assignment.

Tree trimming in progress: Hard hat required.

C.T. Bowen is editor of editorial for Pasco County sections of the St. Petersburg Times.

[Last modified December 23, 2006, 23:19:37]