Print

Email story

Comment

Email editor

Whacked

From naughty politicians to kooky criminals, Florida has produced another bumper crop of crazy.

By Craig Pittman and Tom Zucco
Published December 26, 2006

Somehow, for reasons we don't fully understand, the Sour Orange Awards have managed to make it to their 18th birthday.
	[Times photo: Bob Croslin]

Here's a confession: We never thought the Sour Orange Awards would make it past its first appearance.

Think about it . . . who would want to read a series of cheap shots about all the stupid, futile events that happen in Florida every year? But somehow, for reasons we don't fully understand, the SOA have managed to make it to their 18th birthday.

Which is perhaps a little too old for former Florida Congressman Mark Foley, left, this year's winner of the Most Awful Orange. Here he is in 2003 just before a House vote on funding for the Iraq war:

Maf54 7:19:21 PM: ok..i better go vote..did you know you would have this effect on me

(Unidentified teenage House page) (7:19:38 PM): ya go vote...i dont want to keep you from doing your job

Maf54 (7:19:44 PM): can I have a good kiss goodnight

Ain't love grand? As Mark anxiously awaits his reply, let us begin.

CRIMES OF OPPORTUNITY: Someone burglarized the Daytona Beach police chief's home while he was out . . . giving a lecture on crime prevention.

NO SEVERANCE FOR YOU: A priest accused of misappropriating millions of dollars from a Delray Beach Catholic church told police he saw himself as the CEO of a multimillion-dollar company who wasn't properly compensated.

DO YOU GET EXTRA CREDIT FOR THAT?Students from a Fort Lauderdale high school criminology class investigating a fake crime scene on a field trip discovered a real body. "It was a good crash course," said one 15-year-old.

WARN THE PRESIDENT ABOUT THE BUTT RUB! A food writer whose bag contained an oyster shell, a jar of Tupelo honey and a package of barbecue spices called Byron's Butt Rub accidentally triggered a bomb scare that prompted the evacuation of the Tallahassee airport. The writer was detained for five hours while a robot examined his bag, and airport officials said the White House was notified.

WIPING OUT A BIG BLAZE: Miami-Dade firefighters thought they were dealing with a routine fire. Then they discovered what was burning: a 1,000-pound roll of toilet paper in a semi. They used a forklift to get it out, then extinguished the fire.

HE LOST IT IN THE GREAT MIAMI T.P. FIRE: A Marion County man was arrested for fatally beating his roommate with a sledgehammer and a claw hammer because there was no toilet tissue in the home.

THE BITER BIT: A former South Florida lawyer pleaded guilty to stealing $300,000 from a client but said she lost the money to a Nigerian e-mail scam.

TELL ME ABOUT YOUR CABLE PROBLEMS, BABY: When a utility construction crew cut the television cable to Wesley Chapel, Verizon sent out apology letters offering customers a free pay-per-view movie. The letters listed a number to call with questions - but it was for an adult entertainment chat line called "Intimate Connections."

ANOTHER POLITICIAN COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET: When about 50 antiwar protesters encountered Gov. Jeb Bush in Pittsburgh for a fundraiser for Sen. Rick Santorum, they chased him down into a subway station shouting, "Jeb, go home!" Bush hid in a supply closet until they left.

UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR: The milelong tracks for the Miami airport's new electric train aren't finished - but the train is. So the 20 cars remain in Japan, where the manufacturer runs them every week, at a cost of $56,000 a month. Said an official with the Miami-Dade Aviation Department: "I think some mistakes were made."

BECAUSE THE GATOR SUFFERED SEVERE INDIGESTION: While showing guests around his 5,000-acre preserve, South Florida real estate tycoon Ron Bergeron tried to demonstrate how to wrestle a wild alligator. The gator bit his hand, breaking two fingers. An animal rights group immediately called for him to be charged with animal abuse.

IT'S DOUBLE IF YOU DON'T SHOWER: An Escambia County gym teacher let children sit out his class if they paid a daily $1 bribe, netting him thousands of dollars.

IT TAUGHT THEM NOT TO BE TRUCKERS: Florida wildlife officials decided not to press charges against a Virginia trucker who ran over a 10-foot gator near Daytona Beach, then hauled the carcass home. And why did he drag a dead gator across five states in August? "I wanted to bring it up here and show my kids," he said.

PARTY OF ONE: The Coast Guard boarded a 50-foot yacht found drifting 5 miles off Fort Pierce and found a solitary passenger, who had passed out nude with a 12-gauge shotgun and 18 methadone pills. He was not, of course, the owner of the $350,000 yacht. When revived, he told deputies a friend picked him up in the yacht to "go party."

NOT SO ELIGIBLE NOW, PERHAPS: A Palm Beach billionaire was charged with solicitation after authorities said he paid women to have sex with him in his mansion. A money manager for the ultra-wealthy, 53-year-old Jeffrey Epstein was named one of New York's most eligible bachelors in 2003 by the New York Post.

SMILE, YOU'RE ON . . . OH, NEVER MIND: In four weeks, a gunman robbed nine discount stores in Lake, Volusia and Polk counties. Police said the stores may have been targeted because, to save money, they had no security cameras.

NIP IT IN THE BUD: Federal officials arrested seven Miami men they described as "a homegrown terrorist cell" that planned to blow up Chicago's Sears Tower - although the men never had contact with al-Qaida or other terrorist groups and hadn't acquired any explosives.

FEELING SECURE YET? A former Department of Homeland Security press aide is said to have discussed the thrills of underage sex, called President Bush "a liar" and chatted about shoulder-fired missiles in Internet and phone chats with a 14-year-old girl, who turned out to be undercover Polk County detectives.

ANOTHER TERRORIST THREAT THWARTED: Victoria's Secret supermodel May Andersen, arrested after she was accused of hitting a flight attendant on a plane from Amsterdam to Miami, was refused entry into the United States.

HE WAS JUST SHOWING HIS SUPPORT FOR SMALL BUSINESS: Democratic Hillsborough County Commission candidate Kevin White said he spent more than $6,000 in campaign funds for the services of Robbins Consulting. What he got was not political advice but Italian suits and dress shirts. Turns out Robert Robins runs a menswear store. White explained that Robins, with one "b," was his "fashion consultant."

SO WE HAD A LITTLE PROBLEM WITH THE SHIP'S COMPASS: New Jersey's attorney general sued Miami-based Royal Caribbean Cruises for diverting a Bermuda-bound cruise to Canada and refusing to issue refunds.

DOES MY HMO COVER THIS? A 76-year-old Broward County man was arrested after going door to door and offering free breast exams. At least two women took him up on it.

DRIVE-THROUGH VOODOO: An anthropology professor explained to the Miami Herald that the reason a Kendall neighborhood attracts a steady stream of Santeria worshipers who leave dead animals is because it's so darn convenient: "It's right by a major roadway. You drive in, do your sacrifice, and you're out in 10 minutes."

WASN'T THE NAME A TIPOFF? A man who sold more than $200,000 worth of endangered species' parts, hides and mounts through a Port St. Lucie shop and a Web site was sentenced to 25 months in prison. The Web site: Deadzoo.com.

DON'T TELL THE DEADZOO GUY: Palm Beach County's School Board chairman apologized for referring to gays and lesbians as a "protected species."

HEY! GET A ROOM: Last year, Cape Coral residents reported odd noises in their backyard canals, sounds so loud and spooky that residents were left unnerved. University of South Florida scientists determined this year that the sounds were being made by black drum fish, which raise a loud chorus when they spawn.

MAYBE THE FISH USED THEM: A Cape Coral man gathered used condoms from a neighboring yacht club parking lot and "planted" them on sticks in the median of the street. He then e-mailed city officials: "There they hang tonight, flying in the breeze as a proud symbol of our freedom. . . . Much like our beloved flag."

FAKE WOULD'VE BEEN BETTER: Police say a security worker from MacDill Air Force Base approached two uniformed Tampa officers and asked them to test his crack pipe so he could be sure he was getting real drugs. He was.

MOVIN' WAAAAY OUT: A Miami ballerina sued the producers of Billy Joel's Broadway hit show, Movin' Out, because, she said, they harassed her for needing new costumes when her breasts suddenly grew a full cup size, something she attributes to a natural "period of maturation and change."

IT SHOULD'VE SAID "LITIGIOUS": A Palm Beach woman sued Walgreens, saying that when she picked up a prescription she found an extra message attached in the section reserved for patient information: "CrAzY!!"

AT LEAST HE DIDN'T THROW ANY EGGS: A Fort Myers man playing the Easter Bunny at a mall was accused of removing his costume's head and hitting a customer.

NOT QUITE DRESSED FOR SUCCESS: A robber hit a bank on U.S. 19 in Clearwater and got away, but he left behind fingerprints. So police were waiting two days later when an ex-con showed up to meet with his probation officer . . . wearing clothes exactly like the robber's.

NEXT TIME, TRY PRESSURE WASHING: A Palm Coast man was charged with shooting eight great blue herons nesting in trees next to his home because he wanted to stop them from defecating on his roof.

I'VE GOTTA HANG UP NOW: A Central Florida driver was arguing on her cell phone with her boyfriend. That's apparently why she missed seeing the signs that said the road was ending and she was approaching Lake Haven near Orlando. Her car flew about 20 feet before it plunged into the water.

ALSO FLUNKED THE "DRIVING WHILE ON THE PHONE" TEST: A Pompano Beach 19-year-old failed her driver's exam after she drove a borrowed taxi into a canal.

WE'VE FOUND THE NEXT KEN LAY: A Winter Park teen was charged with using eBay to sell about $800,000 worth of computers that did not exist.

THEY WERE HEADED FOR GUANTANAMO: Thieves hit a Jacksonville hotel during a convention and got an unusual haul. Three vendors told police that someone took two pairs of leather and metal bondage suspension cuffs, a 28-inch-long leather whip, bath salts, rainbow pot holders and an electrical stimulation device.

WHY NOT BOTH? Under a new law designed to improve the state's dismal graduation rate, Florida high school students will now be able to choose from 440 approved majors ranging from "assistant landscape technician" to "global leadership."

IT WAS FOR AN INVESTIGATION, HONEST! An Orlando police captain, two lieutenants and a sergeant were suspended for sending each other pornographic e-mails while on duty. The practice came to light after lower-ranking male officers complained that they had been sexually harassed by a female sergeant and initially didn't report her because her superiors were too busy watching porn.

LEAVE NO POLITICIAN BEHIND: Pharmaceutical millionaire Carlos De Cespedes told the Miami Herald that he paid a Miami-Dade County commissioner $80,000 a year "so he won't steal from you and me." He also described his new employee as "one of the nicest people in the world. But, he's not . . . brainy."

COULDN'T HE GET A PHARMACEUTICAL JOB? A man identified by U.S. authorities as a onetime candidate for president of Peru pleaded guilty in Miami to credit card fraud and money laundering.

HE MISSED HIS LITTER BOX: A Broward County firefighter and his wife were upset that a neighbor's cat had used the back of his pickup truck as a litter box. They drove the cat 15 miles into the Everglades and dumped it. Two weeks later, the indomitable Mr. Kibbles struggled home. The firefighter and his wife pleaded guilty to petty theft.

DON'T MAKE ME USE THE SLINKY ON YOU: When a robber attacked a man in West Palm Beach, the man's wife jumped on the robber's back and yanked his hair. Then, while one daughter dialed 911, the other broke a plastic chair over the robber's head and tied his legs with her jump rope.

YOU SHOULD HEAR HER RING TONE: A female Sarasota County school bus driver was arrested on charges that she showed pornographic videos stored on her cell phone to pupils en route to their elementary school. One boy told deputies that "Miss Amber" also showed him a camera phone picture of "her private area."

YEAH, BUT WHAT'S ON HIS CELL PHONE? Deputies stopped a 15-year-old driving a stolen bus along a public transit route, picking up passengers and collecting fares. He swiped the bus from an Orlando auction. It was his second bus theft.

BLOVIATORS GONE WILD, PART I: Bestselling ranter Ann Coulter, who made fun of confused Palm Beach County voters after the botched 2000 presidential election, voted in the wrong Palm Beach County precinct in a local election, prompting a criminal investigation. In a Fox News interview, Coulter said of county elections officials, "I think the syphilis has gone to their brains."

BLOVIATORS GONE WILD, PART 2: Rush Limbaugh was detained at Palm Beach International Airport after customs officials found he was carrying a bottle of Viagra but his name wasn't on the prescription. Limbaugh joked on his radio show that he got the pills from the Clinton Presidential Library.

DUUUUUUUDE: A Vero Beach man, who drew a 30-year prison sentence, testified he fled from police because he discovered a large amount of marijuana in his lap and thought it was a bomb someone had tossed into his car. He said: "It was a mistake of my eyesight, I guess."

THE COPS ARE ON THEIR SCENT: Hollywood officials said three hijackers stole a truck loaded with $20,000 in perfume samples, which were unfortunately recovered.

Craig Pittman can be reached at (727) 893-8530 or craig@sptimes.com Tom Zucco can be reached at (727) 893-8247 or zucco@sptimes.com.

[Last modified December 26, 2006, 10:21:54]